Day 09: Still not happy with this...

besides the 'job mundane' reason,
it was also because of my failed relationship
that inspired me to take up the 30dayartist
challenge.

downfalls are one of the many ingredients
to reach enlightenment.

take every downfalls as opportunities for a new reborn.

when i met-up Sean for a brief guide to blogging
at 30dayartist.com,
he did mention a similar downfall.

Day 9 by Sean Lean

"Still not happy with this,
but felt that I needed
to post something."

in Malaysia we have one saying,

"Die-die also must do."

it means;
no matter what the reason, the task has to be accomplished.

like the classic saying,
"the show must go on."

in 30dayartist we manifest that idea.

sean had some empty days and
less than 40 works accomplished,
but yet, for a character like his,
of even to consider to take up this task,
for me, it was a more than enough of a miracle.

if you look through his post,
you can tell how much struggle he
had to force himself everytime to click on
the "publish" button to show
the world his 'unfinished' work.

sean is a perfectionist when
it comes to his artwork.

like many artist,
only they themselves could see
the little flaws in their work.
but for the eyes of others
their work seems perfectly fine enough.

" 'fine enough'?!?!? i bloody want a @#%@^% masterpiece!"

that's the artist's ego.

artist's ego can't be all that bad.

when we learn how to control it,
it can be put into good use.

the early generation self-help books advise us,
"diminish ego and be One with the universe."

yet another new age book says,
"maybe God give us ego for a reason."

learn to control it,
and you'll be one 'with' the universe
and simultaneously,
be 'the' One of the universe.

i've said too much already.

in tradition of Sean's "Details are overrated" post,
(26 comments man!) i'll try to keep mine short to
see whether i'll generate that much interest,

i'll leave you with today's work.
and like sean, i'm still not very happy with it,
is it my artist's ego talking?
you be the judge:




till then.

-chinyew

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Day 08: Drawing has been something I have promised myself...

Valerie Butters is an established artist from Canada.
her works are mostly filled with lovely flowers.
she had a great start.
on her day-7, she was already working on day-8,
"I am ahead of myself...lol)"
but sadly, she only made it to day-12
due to death(s) in her family.

anyhow, i'm certain her entire run
would have been a very memorable one,
like a journey into a garden of flowers.

you can check out her beautiful paintings at
her website.

Day 8 by Valerie Butters.

"Drawing has been something
I have promised myself
time and time again to integrate
into my process as a routine.
Why not start now?"

drawing is something...well, how should i put it.. :
like playing the classic Nintendo's Mario Bros.
back in those days, we had limited game cartridges,
because they were so expensive and we would play
the same game over and over again,
even though when we had finished passing all the levels.

"mastering it to perfection."

and do i need to remind you that back in those days,
there wasn't any SAVE feature for 80s video game console.
we lose, we start the entire game again.

so, can you imagine how many times
i've played Mario Bros Level 1?
(i bet i still can!)
i'm sure many people out there also shares
this similar fond memories.

anyway,
the more you play, the better you get.
you'll know when to sprint, when to jump.
which brick to knock down.
which secret path to take.
and which pipe to go in.

by the 100th time,
you'll probably be more familiar of
that particular level than your own room.

you'll be flying.

similar to drawing
or any other technical skills.
the more you practice, the better you get.

practice makes perfect.

in 30dayartist,
every artist that signed up,
holds the same mentality
of committing themselves
into a routine of
everyday "practicing".
shaping it. molding it.
over and over again.
30-days. non-stop.

every artist carries the same hope
of reaching perfection of their craft.

the perfection of finding
that harmonious tune,
syncing themselves and their work,
into one.

they want it, because they know that
they themselves 'need' it.

and probably by the end of the day-30 (100th times),

they'll be flying already.

(just like Neo)

'nuff said.

and for today's "practice":


-chinyew

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Day 07: There will never be enough time.

ah, crap. another mistake in the video.
Thaneeya's run was on March,
not April as stated on the video.

sorry.

i spend the entire day reading through Thaneeya's run.
her run is filled with step-to-step guide to
her works. very instructional. very in-depth.
her day-12 is my favorite.
i also found alot of good quotes.
so many that i had to fight not to use
them all, or i might end up using
most of them for my entire fav 30 day quotes.

Day 7 by Thaneeya McArdle

"There will never be enough time,
to manifest all the ideas I have in my head,
but I guess endless inspiration is a blessing."


now, that's a positive quote.

for some artist, it's a struggle.

never having enough time to generate/execute
the ideas in our head.
it's always,

"that will wait.
i'll work on this one first."

and then,

"shit, what was that idea again?"

and like many other brilliant ideas
that you once had and due to
lack of time to execute them,
lost forever into thin air.

inspiration comes anytime, anywhere.
and sometimes non, and no where.
stuck. writer's block.
some don't believe in writer's block.
i simply believe it as a chimney hole got
stuck. or the water supply pipe got clog-up
with crap.(negative force)

there are many ways to clear this blockage.
(i'll share some on other post)

but the point here is,
cherish every inspiration given to you.
you'll never know when your next blockage is.

people get distress by an unanswered prayer.
i believe it happens vise-versa for a disregarded blessing.

one friend told me once,
he happens to be involved in
a production shoot with Oliver Stone.
(not certain of the authenticity of the story)
he described Mr Stone to me,
almost like a crazy-lunatic,
who pees anywhere-anytime.
random mumbling words.
some of the production team had trouble
understanding him and his mood swings.
after a couple of days working for Mr Stone,
my friend finally took up the courage to ask him
questions like any fanboy would ask.

"Mr Stone, how and where you got
those ideas for your movies?"

Mr Stone looks at him with a blunt face
and mumbled out, "i write when i was young."

my friend ends the story with a stale joke,

"i think he must be stoned. get it? stoned!"

he laughed out loud and expecting me to do the same.
for him, he felt Oliver Stone gave him
a random delusional answer.

but for me, despise the authenticity or how stoned he was,
i think i understand what he meant.

write them down.

put them on paper.

no matter what.

before it's too late.

especially when your mind are still young, fresh
and passionate about things around you.

write.

you'll never know, as your mind aged,
things around you starts to feel the same and dull,
you'll loss the excitement and passion for life,
like many people are these days.

imagine, who would better describe the scene
of going to the circus:

a 6-year old kid who has never been to a circus?

or

a veteran-columnist?

of course the columnist would describe the scene
with the usage of proper words and structured
sentences to draw the perfect experience into your head,
rather than the kid would;
"..jumpeenn..elep-hants..clowns...
many-many clowns...dancing..singing..
BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!..sweet-cotton candee
..oh-and the tigers..tigers..roaarr!"
but the kid's the one with more
excitement and passion.

the virgin mind.

what makes a writer good?

research. information of experiences.

you can get that anywhere.

but wouldn't it be better if the research are from
your own personal experience?

wouldn't your writing be more passionate then?

2 benefits:

good writing.

and

good recalling of happy childhood memories

especially when you are a worn-out in life
veteran writer.

i dig-up my old journals dating way back
when i was 12. (pages were falling out)


it was filled with broken unstructured sentences, bad spelling.
even had trouble reading those scattered handwritings.

as i enjoy reading through them,
i recalled fond memories. stupid actions.
naive emotions.

i could swear in a short fragments of moment,
i was suddenly back in time.
the smell. the ambiance. the feelings.
i was that kid again.
and i was surprised to read mistakes
that was still reflecting me now.
like a pattern i still subconsciously clinging on.

i learned something,

from reading my immature self.

(probably in the future, i'll learn something
from reading this.)

usually the first time for the virgins are painful.
it is only with that painful-experience
that helps them to enjoy it the second time.
and then the third, and et cetera, et cetera.

sex that is.

Thaneeya quoted on her Day 2;

"Sometimes things don't work out
the way you would like,
when you would like.
And that's okay."

don't you wish that you had written those beautiful
experience when you first went out fishing with your dad
who is no longer around?
reading them back, could remind you of
your dad's legacy and it would inspire you
to be a good father yourself.

time is too fast.
and our memory capacity is too small.

write them now.

and be thankful of the experiences that
has been shined upon you.

getting a journal is like getting
an external harddisk for our brain.
i recomend a

moleskine.

"the realiable-branded external hardisk for our memories."

(how i wish had written my 12-year old journal on them
instead of the falling pages of my cheap scrapbook)

i think i've reached my point.

now, onto today's work:


(believe it or not, this page was so painful
to make. i was so close of givin up and
crushing it into pieces.)

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Day 06: Determined to get the images in my head.

Day 6 by Brandi

"I worked through the night last night,
Determined to get the images in my head,
Out onto the canvas the way
I saw them mentally."

Brandi from USA was the first artist
that took the challenge apart from i
and i-ming.

we had a very exciting month that year.
it was our first test of whether an outsider,
especially from such a distanced country from ours,
could withstand the 30dayartist marathon.

i still remember how i and I-ming with his laptop,
like kids all hyped-up with their new toy,
checking for Brandi's posts and the audiences' comments.

and we'll go "yay!"

we witnessed how Brandi overcomes her
negative demons, fears and sorrows.
there were moments we thought that she
wasn't gonna make it,

but in the end, she shines.

she made it all the way to day-30
with 40 retro-pop-abstract works.
(i'm bad at categorizing style.
but she did mention that she had discovered
a new style during her run.)

i remember imagining a girl running pass
that finishing line in slow-mo.
orchestrated olympic music.
small pieces of colourful paper flying everywhere.
audiences cheering.
and she crying in gladness and happiness
of her survival and reborn.

simply amazing. definitely deserve
a reread of the entire run.

on her last day-30, she posted a very well
summarized conclusion of her entire experience.
she spoke of how the comments had influenced/shaped her;
good and bad.

i agree.

comments are the moral support/fuel for any
artist of continuing this journey,
all the way towards the finishing line.

i mean, if you could just look at it this way,
from the perspective of an artist;
what's the point of doing a show/art,
of all the long-hard nights,
struggling to get the images out from your head,
hoping that it will inspire-move people,
when there's no audiences?

it'll merely be just like jerking off.

we need to know from you
that we're not just that;

simply jerking off.

the number of comment determines
the number of audiences who are
REALLY watching.

it determines the level of impressiveness
of the artist's work/post is,
the level of extreme whether is it worth
the trouble of audiences commenting,

"your work rocks!"

or rather

"your work sucks!"

the least, it made an impact/impression.

despise of it being good or bad.

if the artists had not gotten any comments for their work,
they just have to bitterly swallows the sad-truth that
they are just simply not good/moving enough,
of convincing people to give a fuck/care ratass about.

;from the artist's perspective that is.

we had advised 30dayartists to fight, struggle,
beg, force, and overcome this attention factor.
of not having it and of not being too obsessively
in the mist of gaining it.
we advised; balance.

but before the balance, one has to know that

we're all little children; the self.

like a 6-year old kid dealing with the ignorance of
her/his busy mom.

"mommy is busy right now.
mommy will look at your drawings later, okay? "
*muaks*

try harder.

with that small brink of hope of you carrying on;
knowing that your art is worth every stress, blood and sweat.

the determination.

the confidence.

the core.

internal-recognition, rather than external.

to know that you are worth every ounce of it.
despise all the cold and silent shoulders you get,
'recognize' yourself first before wanting people to 'recognize' you.
know yourself.
that you are worth it.

i know i am.
therefore, i don't care.

(just alittle tired that's all... *hint*hint*)

but grateful enough to know that you've at least
read it this far.

now, onto today's hard work ;)

pls help to decide:

with frames

or without frames?

-chinyew

p/s: since-after Brandi's run, we have trouble contacting her.

her email account doesn't seem to work and her blog emptied.

i'm always curious of her latest progress and state.

i would like to take the opportunity here, if she is reading this,

(contact us!)

to thank her again for having the faith and of being the first to take

the 30dayartist challenge at the early stage,

when we ourselves wasn't sure of whether 30dayartist would work.

we salute you.

and on the thanking state, i thank all the ones
who had commented on this blog.

many artist couldn't have survived without you guys!

lovexxxxx

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Day 05: Nobody is my boss but me.

Day 5 by Julia Oscarson

"Nobody is my boss but me,
Nobody is going to paint but me,
This is my job."

i remember reading Julia's run.
nearly every post she has written,
has atleast one well said quote of
brilliant coaching words to help
any struggling artist to be confidence
with themselves.

do you suffer at work?
do you feel like been pushed around.

stand up.

if you don't help yourself, no one will.

choose what you want best.
take charge of your life.

work is too much of a burden to be
unhappy about.

for my first two run, i quit my job
because the job i had, went sore.
mundane. overworked.
i was been abused and felt that i was
goin nowhere.

and everytime i get back here;
30dayartist,
i feel all charged-up again,
and ready to face the world even stronger.

and year by year, i feel the growth.

this year, i did not quit my job,
because i found the best job.
a boss who doesn't bosses you around.
a career that i feel everyday is gradually growing.

trust yourself.

know what you want best.

have faith.

like the old saying,

"when there's a will, there's a way."

today, i've finished the 20 scene breakdown
for my day job. ready to be presented tomorrow.

not sure how long i can hold up
to this juggling of my day job and
doin the graphic novel.

but i do feel good everytime i
finishes a scene. really good.

i've never felt such satisfactory since...

sex?

well-anyway,

till then.

-chinyew

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Day 04: I don't believe my way is the only way to do it.

i made a mistake.
i've got the artwork right,
but the quote wrong.

the quote supposed to be on
Day 5 of Anne Kullaf's run.

but anyhow, i think Anne made a very good quote.

"I don't believe my way is the only way to do it.
Only that it is the way that works best for me."

at first, there was only a BANG.

nobody is right. nobody is wrong.
there is no originality in all things.
there is no fairness in all things.
there is not actual fact of all things.
nothing is standard.
nothing is equal.
nothing is right.
nothing is wrong.

only there is, is yr perception.

you are the only controller of yr experience.

you make the call.

and partly being an artist is to realize
this balance of thought.

acceptance of others.

and yours.

i'm not making sense again.

it's dawn already.

need to sleep.

-chinyew

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Day 03: Today is a very confusing day for me.

Day 3 by Perng Fey

"Today is a very confusing day for me,
because I have to think,
which I normally not used to."


in 30dayartist, we encourage artists to
think. Yet, not in a conscious way.

the unconscious thinking will soon turn
into a natural instinct.
you'll know what to do.
and what to paint.

example:
take a brush. dip it with a light
tone of black. move yr brush
to the canvas. you'll feel uncomfortable
at first of not sure of what to paint.

don't be afraid. just paint.
let the stroke take over you.

soon the image-idea will emerge itself.

this is where the thinking starts;

the random strokes are fragments of
imagery of your subconscious mind.
a sort of your brainwave patterns transmitting
into a visionary form onto yr canvases.

yr job is to figure out this wave form-pattern
(your brush strokes) of what they mean.
or what they are.

you might learn a little more about yrself.

becoming a 30dayartist, pressures you to this state.

first couple of days, you'll probably know what to paint.
hardly any brain juice is required.
but after a couple more, you'll be stuck with nothing.
blank.

then you'll require to think harder.

think. think. think.

to think when you're not able to think.

i'm not even sure am i making sense myself.

probably is the overwork and of finishing
this 2 scenes.

it's 8:30am now. i've been working
on the 2 scene and this post since
12am.

i'm not making sense anymore. tired.
sleepy.

till tomorrow.

xxxxx

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Day 02: The trick is to rest when you can.

didn't sleep very well last night.

imagine waking up, knowing that
i can't take my own sweet time
to wait for inspiration to come,
have an easy lunch,
watch cable tv,
small chat with my mom,
steaming hot dinner,
tv again,
then later in the evening, paint.
plan my post.
then post.

instead, i had to rush for a meeting
at work.

when it rain, it pours.

i was given another task at my day job.
to do a 20 scene breakdown of a
twilight-zone-like story.

deadline; next week.

ironically, the story is somehow similar
to my current graphic novel project.

weird.

now, how do i write 2 story that doesn't
seem to be similar to one another,
yet both is written by me.

is it possible for one not to plagiarize it's
own work?

can it even be call plagiarism if both
work are similar, yet it's by the same writer.

now, i have to slice my brain into two.

it's exciting to be in the creative field.

i love my life.
can't seem to say it enough lately.

quote of the day:

Day 2 by I-Ming

"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.
And in a marathon,
the trick is to rest when you can."

good advise.
strategizing is the best way to any survival.
think with a clear head.
and plan.

i quickly took a nap as i got back from
work.

woke up at 12am. finish the 1st scene
as promised.




1 down, and 39 more to go.

phew.

-chinyew

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Day 01: The first day is the hardest.

glad to be back.
this August is gonna be a very
tired-juggling month for me.

compared to my last 2 run,
i have to balance myself doing 30dayartist
while having a day job.

(which my artist friend, i-ming has been doing very well
for his past 2 runs.) read his post here to learn how.

for me, i find it difficult.

i like doing my art; just my art.
hate juggling things. bad at juggling.

but i guess i've no choice now.

i've got this deadline on mid September
of my day job(which i equally enjoy:
editing a "Making Of" of a feature film).

and additional to that,
i'll be going through a post-production
of my second short film which i just shot
last month. (the making of this short
is yet another amazing synchronicity story
which i'll share with you all of the coming days.)

as for 30dayartist;

i'll be committing myself
to finish a 40scene-graphic novel.

(in replace of 40 paintings.)

calm down.

i'm still IN the 30dayartist loop of energy;

i'm not trying to lazy/cheat here of not
painting.

(besides, i find it even more difficult of
illustrating-composing 40 scenes)

graphic novels has always been
something i've always wanted to do;
the flexibility of telling stories.

and 30dayartist IS about the commitment
of artist doing works that they always wanted
to do, but suppressed by many negative external
and internal elements.

in 30dayartist, i stand up and say:

"Fuck all those elements and let's rock on with the art!"

the quota of 40 works still remains,
standing as a guideline of pushing us over to the higher state;
forcing our creative juice to flow out,
allowing the subconscious self to waken,
then a realization of our true self.

as the traditional un-planned 30dayartist way,
i'll be allowing the story to flow+build itself.

but ofcourse, i do have the core story in my head.

so, please do forgive me if the scenes ever
come out of not making sense or linking to one another.

but i do believe in the force.

i'll rely on the force for the quality and
i'll worry of the quantity.

this will be a very exciting month for me.

additional to all that, if you've seen the video
on top,

i've cut a 3 part video
of "best of" quotes+arts of 30dayartist's in
these 2 years circa.

day to day, i'll be elaborating of the artist,
works and quotes.

Well, for day one, i've 'nuff said:

"The first day is the hardest. You are blank
with no idea to paint. Your strokes are doubtful"




as for today's work,

sorry no scenes yet.

i spend 6 hours just on designing the font face
for the graphic novel,
and ofcourse typing this post.

i hope you'll forgive me.

first day is indeed the hardest.

till then.



-chinyew

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Happy 2nd Birthday!

departure

*

it's over.

i prepared/trained myself of adapting
the departure of new friends and
the adrenaline rush, even before
it was over.

i tried.

(sigh)

yet,

the detaching feels awkward and painful.

what is this, departure thing?

;

the going-away./?

the letting-go./?

the goodbyes./?

i'm easily attached.

i'm easily inspired.

easily to be passionated about.

and suddenly,

easily feel for it.

what is this "thing" that i have?

;

to think. to be specific.
to know. to like.
to affirmed. to right.

this soul that i have.

that everyone has,

the voice within.

many has forgotten.

many has not know.

but,

everyone has it.

the voice within.

the knowing.

even without asking.

heh.

i tried not to rhyme in things.

i tried not to affect anything.

am i a clean person?

it has always been about that,
don't you all think so?

being clean.

as a person.

in life.

being good.

clean heart. clean soul.

i think sometimes,

am i clean?

are you all clean?

are anywhere clean?

i was witnessing/experiencing a filmmaking process
in my country, Malaysia. we had to shot them
in various places of Kuala Lumpur.
and i realized that my city is a very dirty
country.

but i'm thankful the area that i'm living in now,
is still quite clean.

i won't tell you where. because i'm afraid
some of you might come and dirtied it.

sorry, i'm just being thankful now
that my parents had chose to live here.
and with my thankfulness, and guilt
for taking/taken it for granted,

i am sorry-but-thankful now.

selfish it is, some of you might say,

but being attentive is what-i-say.

departure.

i do not like,

and i think i never will.

....

..

....

..

....

.


.





.

ok, i do not blame you.
how can i-when it is the beauty that
you are cursed with.

of you soul.

it's clean.

and i think to myself,

am i a clean person?

*sigh*

guess, i'll use more shampoo
the next time i washes my
un-taken-care-of-hair.

but i did not invite it.

i hid myself.

but-then it showed me.

it inspired me again.

to love.

3 years/.

(and counting)

cynical.

a new word i learn/learned

in the movie "Libertine."

(johnny depp, smart-man,
of choosing scripts to play.)

"am i a cynical person?"

(ahem.)

-chinyew

*inspired from-after watching

"Libertine".

p/s: oh yes,

happy brithday,

(in order of dates)

Mal,

lisa.

and

grandma.

have i mentioned that i'm training myself
to feel thankful all the time.

i want love. and to be loved.

thank you all.

*who do you all hoped to see?*

;

and that is love.

*ending till the song "saxon shore - July 5" ends.*

*weird eyes*

July 5th is comin....

synchro?

will update you.

;)

Red House Painter starts.

i begged of you to stay,

atleast till the song ends.

or maybe-even till the entire playlist finishes,
if you really want to know me.

heh.

karma

ok, i'm recovering day by day.

depression kicks in sometime.

i dunno why.

but the pills tend to help.

it calms me down.

but the drawback is, most of the time,
i want to be alone.

she ask me to love myself more.

i am.

i'm certain of.

the only lack of thing is havin this other
half to love and love back.

it's been 3 years now, i last taste
the scent of love.

yes, i'm a romanticism.

and emo too.

sometimes.

sometimes i'm used to being alone.
sometimes i have this urge to talk to
someone in a lighter and sentimental tone.

the emo music kicks in sometime.
sometimes a hardbeat track.

i dance to it.

eccentric.

i'm an eccentric person.

i try not to be.

the mood swing irritates people.

i know.

my harddisk crash.

most of the good shots i took are gone.

i recall my arrogance.

karma hits my face time and time again.

i never learn.

i try to learn.

i gotto learn.

this time.

-chinyew

different.

ok.

she has someone.

and this is this.

and that is that.

nothing is higher nothing is lower.

it is just 'different'.

God made every individual special of
it's own.

every only-1-piece of it's kind.

the only difference is that we are difference.

i ask everyone surrounding me,

am i arrogant?

some i could tell with the hearts,
who are friend and who are my foes.

i like the idea of giving.
i'm trying to give.
i feel bad.
of myself.
and the things i've created.
things that are not positive enough.
i'm failing myself.

but yet, after the depression,
i get charged up.

and it's this very moment,
where people realized this
is the truth
of Life.

the One truth.

the truth.

-chinyew

she does not know? or,

we're just different.

-chinyew

p/s:
being in a Malaysia film production
is like being in a ship bypassing a
heavy storm while you are high.

standby. camera. and....

okay.

will have to wake up in another
5 hours or so.

i'm workin on a feature now.

exciting like hell.

i'm doin the "behind-the-scenes".

i'm appointed to direct the "making of"
this feature.

direct.

wrong term. who is there to direct
when i'm doin the entire project myself.

me, tripod and my camera.

my tag says "the making of - director".

i request to be called "The Maker" instead,
due to i making the entire project myself.

don't get me wrong, i love my job.

it's exciting like hell.
feels like making my short film,
ala documentary of how a feature film is made.

i'm very fortunate.
i thank God-The Force everyday.
or try for every single moment.

the director of this feature is Jack Neo.
his known in Singapore.
the leading lady is Fann Wong, Asia superstar.

amazing shoot.
tight hours. little sleep.
pressured crew. tight budget.

but experienced and interesting
upper heads.

i love my job.

i walk around.
a retro Good Morning towel
wrapped around my neck, ala scarf.
listening to my brother's Creative Mp3 player
on one side of my ear. (just incase anyone
screams for me.) strap on gaffer and masking tape
on my semi-body hugging bag, ala postman's bag.
shooting everyone and the entire process with
my 30GB hard disk based camera.

it's day 19 of shoot day.
and i've atleast 20 hours of footages
saved on an external harddisk.

i know. it's suicidal.

but it's fun.

i've been helping the crew to load
equipments to the truck.

it has been almost a year now since
i've gotten my hands dirty on a shoot.

love to be back.

could feel my muscles stretching it's way
for space.

work's great.

career is smooth, so far.

now,

where's my love?

one thing i've lacked of.

"the ones i loved, never loves me."

-chinyew

dark long road.

i took a wrong turn in the highway.
i ended up in a dark-long-road.
endless. there wasn't a u-turn to be found.

i panic. angry. scared. really scared.
never been so scared.
afraid that i might end up somewhere far.

all way through, i wasn hoping for a u-turn.
it felt like death.
i felt alone.

i drove slowly.
i never felt so alone ever before.
so dark. so long.
my phone bat was almost dying.
i've been lost before.
but never with my phone dead.

i get paranoid easily.

insecure?

maybe.

i drove. and i drove.
35km.

that's far.
i cursed upon myself for
taking a wrong turn.

welcome to Malaysia highway.
not sure 'bout other country's highway,
but once you make a wrong road,
it'll take you forever to get back to
where you begin.

i paid a RM5 toll.
i cursed again.

drove almost an hour.
realized i was heading for Genting Highlands.
i never went up to the cold mountain
alone before.
never.

dark road. large trucks drove pass me.
curvy-hill turns.

paranoia of imagination.
earlier in the morning, mom reminded
me to change the tires.
thank God i had petrol.
no petrol. phone dead.
not a nice imagination.

i tried focusing on the road.
still keep tracking of a u-turn.
doesn't look like one is gonna turn up
anytime soon.

dark. really dark.

radio was my only friend.
but my car radio antenna is a little fucked.
radio waves noise. cross radio stations.

a deejay was listening to a love problem
from a young female caller.
the caller was still deeply inlove with
her ex, who has fallen for another.
the deejay was irritated by the caller's
persistent of wanting the ex back.

he hangs up.

i agreed with him.

i was the caller once.

awhile later, the road split into 2.
i made my decision.
alas, a u-turn.
i quickly turn.
and i was glad to see a road sign
infront of me that says
"Kuala Lumpur - 35km"

yeah!

found the toll.
paid another RM5.

i was glad to be back on track.
a little too glad.
a little too overwhelm with my accomplishment.

suddenly many cars was ahead.
it's 12am.

it was a roadblock.

i panic again.

the queue was long.
3 lane of cars struggled into 1.
passing policemen that waves rhythmically.

my heart beated faster and harder
as i approaches the block.

i tried to stay calm.

my turn,

....................

i'm saved!

this lesson hits me.

i jotted down this few points largely in my moleskine.

1. be humble all time.

2. keep my voice low.

3. trust no one.

4. don't lie.

i'll have to remind myself this everyday.

every fuckin day.

- chinyew

May (black-sheep-like-clouds)?

Clouds foam-in.
I saw black-sheep-like-clouds.
(damn, hands getting numb on the
keyboard. guess, i've been writing too
much on you-know-what. it feels lame saying
it sometimes really. don't get me wrong, i love
those damn-black-notebooks. it's just that
i feel like its too cliché. but anyway-)
hmm..black-sheep-like-clouds.
(ponders)
but-anyway, it feels like it you know,
the month of May?

Answers.com says this:

May (mā)
n.

1. The fifth month of the year in the Gregorian calendar.
2. The springtime of life; youth.
3. The celebration of May Day.

May Day; Labor day. celebrated worldwide.
i was workin though.
don't get me wrong, i love my job.

so, here's the point:

eventhough i was workin, i loved my job.
so, no sweat.

"black-sheep-like-clouds."

have i said that before?

or this is the first time.

i'm losing my memories.

no, literally. i CAN remember certain things
that i choosed too, but in no power of remembering
some early-present fragments of activities or
to-be-specific; visuals in my brain.
now, it's flying faster into space.
blank.
faster and faster, the process,
each time.

anyway, back to point of this.

the premise.

"MAY"

the month of MAY.

from the word "may";

may¹ (mā)
aux.v., Past tense might (mīt).

1. To be allowed or permitted to: May I take a swim? Yes, you may.
2. Used to indicate a certain measure of likelihood or possibility: It may rain this afternoon.
3. Used to express a desire or fervent wish: Long may he live!
4. Used to express contingency, purpose, or result in clauses introduced by that or so that: expressing ideas so that the average person may understand.
5. To be obliged; must. Used in statutes, deeds, and other legal documents. See Usage Note at can¹.

that's a good word. i swear you'll find
this blessing word in the bible casually.

some of the ones i cared for are suffering,
some are experiencing growth in life,
some are making changes.
good. bad. try. fail.

i talked to the security executive
(he doesn't fancy people calling him security guard)
earlier this morning.
(Sunday. i love my job.)
he told me that he was suffering.
debts from the bank.
his aged. probably 60-70.

he showed me the bible.
he flipped through pages.
showed me a verse.
can't remember what it
was. but it sounded angry.
in life, and asking God for mercy
and to save him quickly.
complained to God, that how
evil these other people are,
his so-called-enemies.
i remind you, the verse sounded angry.

i pitied him somehow.
an aging man, complaining how much
he hated his life, that he had to work on a
Sunday because of money problems t0 help
his daughter.

i thought i could almost feel his tiredness in life.

tiredness in life.

heh.

isn't that a sad premise?

but anyway, i told him a couple of
cool Christian story i remembered
reading them years ago of some
forwarded-emails.
(power of technology, don't get me started--)

it relief him.

he smile and thank me, shake my hand,
his eyes were wet.

i told him no problem.
i ended to him my final understanding
of "Father, why have you forsaken me?"
theory. (hey, God gave everyone a fair
choice of interpretation. who are to
said that this is right and this is wrong?
God is fair. God gave everyone a choice.)

interpretation. from the word "inter"?

inter of our mind? an experience only
by one single entity-individually?

the man felt lighter suddenly.

i was thankful.

heh, its a Sunday afterall.

Hallelujah!

btw, yeah, May.

some good some bad.

i'm not saying that i'm great of a person.

i just told him what i felt he needs to hear.

to be at peace.

(been reading Buddhism books.)

that despises how tied up you are to the
heavy burdens in life of sufferings,
the outer-psychical world;
material is within our capability of changing,
but instead, the inner-spirituality of our minds
can easily be morphed into the
peace of mind-states.

all you need is ideas.

and everyone have different needs in ideas.

like movies.

genres.

storylines.

concepts.

i love stories.

stories are controversial.
stories IS controversial.

nothing is right.
and nothing is wrong.

have peace everyone.

i took today's synchro as a reminder
to start saving my money,
and less spending them on the materials of the world,
that ties you up in the ball and chain,
created by the corporations of this world,
for you to succumbs in the craving for more
luxurious world created fakely of needs by the
corporation itself. and the ironic of things,
you work for them. ha. ball and chain.
the even irony that May Day(1st May) is
celebrated internationally in most countries
as a "Labor Day".

ALL workers get a break. isn't that cool?

a reminder, my writings are not poems.

this could go on forever again.

will stop soon.

closing with this,

i wish everyone have a blessful and peaceful
of sunny-sunshine and romantic-nights of
the wondrous month of
May.

-chinyew

p/s: a special prize to the first to point out
my old posts, that infact i did actually typed before of
"black-sheep-like-clouds" or maybe
something close like that.

a signed illustration as the Grand prize?

ok, its official.

spread the word.

sigh.

i ask. i come back. i turn back. i think. i think.

IMPORTANT
i would strongly advise of you
to wait for the music to load then read.
or if you hear no sound after a while,
either yr not using the right browser or plugin,
or maybe yr speakers are not plugged in,
bad connection. something.
but definitely, i've uploaded a song,
and it sync/comes with the following words:

i didn't know i could get back.

but strangely, i am back.

and i realized, that i can.
i could. i want. i am too.

that i'm able to walk.
able to stand.
able to receive.
and able to know.

that this is true.
nothing alse is.
or could be.
or maybe.
or never be.

i think i can.

and pray that everyone will.

i hope. i wish.
i feel. i think.

it starts now.

it begins.

now.

and here goes….
_________________________________


everything seems perfectly structured.
things work. and things fail. it goes on.
like a routine.
i tracked these things.
asking, seeking, wondering.
i note it down.

then suddenly, i recall some memories.
it tested my current state.
i could somehow, feel it.
i could describe a sense. a space. a time.
a story.

somehow. in another. in within.

it somehow makes you think.
makes me think. atleast.

but i guess, this is really what
everything is. the meaning.
the repetitive.

it repeats. i jump and stretch my body.
pulling my fingers.
my body seems alive.
yet, it only exists in my mind.

ok, lets say i don't look.
i just walked and i think.
and then i ask?
try not looking.
try not observing.
and this thing,
could and is really, working.

ok.
what am i myself?
you think is my arrangement of sentence?
you could be right. but in my reality,
it is right. i am, right.
and you, i don't know really.
i don't understand.
because its "you".
and i am i.
cliché?

isn't life one?

now, the best part,

beauty.

in within. external. internal.
real. fade. come. go. in. out.

love.

always equivalent of one another.
nothing is perfect.

but love is.

denied that, and that is,
simply,

not love.

simple as that.

perfection, love, beauty.

it is all, simply, one.

"and nothing ever be perfect?"

it is a fact or lie?

i see it as both.

i've not ramble for too long.
they asked, "have you been blogging?"

uhmm...no, not really.
i've got my moleskine now.

"what the fuck was that?"

that, i asked my pathetic self.
what kind of fuckin answer is that
of you giving to someone?
no, really. i ask. i ask. i ask.
i ask. i ask. i come back. i turn back.
i walk. and walk. and think.
and think.

am i turnin stupid?
arrogant?
or maybe by far most,
ignorant?

or just paranoid.

this conclusion sometimes i prefer most.
ok, i lie. i friggin prefer to be in the fuckin latter
choice ofcourse, just to be FUCKIN PARANOID.

goddamnit.

i want, then, probably i get.
but why at first? of even wanting it?

it could-doesn't make sense.

but anyway, this would/could go on
forever. forget it, and i'll continue,
next time.

till then.

i'm back.

i think.

many cheers.

-chinyew

p/s: oh yeah, i begged of you to sit through
till the music finishes, in respect of the band.
its a pretty good composition by the way.
how long is another of 7 minutes of time
is gonna take you away of from your life?

it's a total 13+ minute track.

walk on.

3 months.

wake up. go to work.
come back. consume food.
3 dvds a day. write.
think. smoke. think again.
then write.

routine. cycles.

do some art. make some peace.
kill some cells. disrupt some brainwaves.

tie my hair. carry my bag.
roll a cigarette. ramble theories.

sunday afternoon. green grass.
shiny-white sky. breezing wind.

i've lost again.

i'm entering the hole again.

i expect and it fail.

i'm back.

a moment of silence.

a moment of pain.

happier people, brighter smile.

miss having another brain to think.

miss waking up to another soul.

breathing is hard.

really hard.

but i walk on.

-chinyew

merry 'o merry.

mene, mene tekel, parsin.
- Daniel 5:25

Merry Christmas to all.

-chinyew

CINTA

do you feel the pain?

i feel it sometimes.

when its dark.

when everything really literally feel like "fades".

everything fades.

and you enter it.

and i feel it sometimes.

that i do miss her.

is it alright? to think of her?
is it healthy to be like this?
especially you yourself feel
like its been too long.

where i keep all this?
this feels like a chest.
locked so long, it actually hurts
to see the lock rust.

i. i got to start stating "I".

yes. i miss HER.

i miss her so bad, i'm starting
to think that i'm crazy,
thinking that i am sub-consciously
miss of a person rather than
her specifically.

could it be possible?

or could it be that she
was my first, and its really
difficult to always forget
yr "firsts". especially
when its

LOVE.

*expressing from the movie, CINTA.

Have you forgotten?

how things fall apart,
and how they form-back,
then break into scattered-pieces again,
then you try and figure how
every pieces links and see
the final image,

the answer.

my task is to understand the answer.
the pieces of clues given.
by who? that's inclusive of the ultimate
answer.

this week has been a week filled
with pieces.

(but according to masters, every single
moment there's a piece falling upon you,
is the matter of yr brain adjusting the
time frame speed*awakening, to see it)

early of the week,
i was parkin my car.
i'm a lazy driver and i hate driving.
car doesn't fancy me. for me, a car
is just a box with 4 wheels to bring
me around. thus, i've never been too
obsessed with parking. sometimes,
you'll see cars that park bad. and
sometimes i could be that car.

but particularly, that day, i was being
particular. a funny feeling in me that
causes me to feel unsatisfactory with
the way i parked. and so i parked.
got off, and look at it. enters again.
park again. got off. stares at it again.
and then park again. it went on for a couple
of times.

finally, i was satisfied, which i personally
thought to myself, that it was exactly
the way i first parked.

anyhow, i made peace with myself and tried
to walk away from the car. i turned for a
few glances as i walk, i told myself
not to.

then, i saw the back of a girl who was
walkin in front of me. there was a construction
guy workin beside the street. as i watch the
girl walk pass him, i could see his attraction
of the girl and i thought to myself then,
this girl should be quite a good look. and so, as
a normal-average guy would do, i tried to overtake
the girl, and pretend to look back and see
how good looking she was.

and i did, and i was surprised it was a girl
i knew back in highschool. we exchange some
update info of friends and us. it was brief.

and that's one piece of clue.

and here's the second piece,
i was in a cafe, writing. the very same day.
it was getting late, i thought i pass by
the casher and greet him, since i've
been coming to this cafe so often.
as i waved to him, i couldn't help notice
that he seems very familiar. i asked for
his name, and i was surprised that i do
know him.

when i was 13, i used to work for my
uncle in a jeans factory cutting extra threads
of jeans. it was a boring job.
and this guy, who used to be a driver
for my uncle, used to invite me to
join him to deliver goods.

it was pretty cool hanging out with him.
it feels like being a cowboy.
in a truck. rock music. cigarettes.
it felt free. we would woo chicks as we drive
pass them. it was fun.

and ironically, i've been thinking about
this guy for a couple of weeks now,
and surprisingly, i bump into him.

and the funniest thing is, i've been goin to this
cafe for weeks now, and both of us didn't
even recognize each other till i greeted him
that very day.

and that was the second.

and now for the third,

back home.
a friend of mine, smsed me asking
hows the progress with my artist friend,
was he still mad at me about the newspaper
incident. i was angry at his sms, and i replied
back, stating that, there is no problem between
i and my artist friend. we're all cool. and i told
him that he shouldn't be having such negative thoughts
of i and my artist friend.

ironically, a few minutes later, my artist friend
called and stated that he wants to pull out
from 30dayartist.

i paused. i felt the energy. the force doin its work.
my first instinct was to persuade my friend to
stay. that feeling was strong. and till this very
day, my artist friend is still among us, 30dayartist.

now fourth piece, the very next day.
i was just having a casual conversation with
a fellow colleague. somehow we ended up talkin
about a korean movie. i told her i remembered
when it was shown in the cinema because that
was the very last movie and on the very same day
i broke up with my ex. and she remembered when
it was shown, because that was the very day she left
this company. we joined(she re-joined) this company
at the same time, this time.

at the very same day,
i received a call from a friend stating that
my ex wanted to have dinner with us the next day.

i rejected, because i already had plans the next day.

went back home, saw one side of a socks belong
to my ex, dangling out from the drawer.

and that was the fourth, now the firth,

the next day.

i was in a shower. i remembered my first 2 producers
that gave me my first production job and taught
me many things about production. with their lessons,
i was able to learn the local production faster.
i was fired from the company then, because of some
circumstances which i chose my art over them.

it was unavoidable.

since, i've always wanted to apologize to them
and wanted to thank them for what they have
taught me. till this very day, i still share
stories to fellow colleagues of the intense training
of only 3 months, that able to taught me so much
that i find it even hard to learn it,
in the local production of 3 years.

the very moment i first stepped into their office,
was the bench-mark of my current now obsessive-discipline
production attitude that made me from a PA, to a producer
than a director, and now a script writer, all in a 2 years period.

so, i picked up the phone and i called them.
and surprisingly they were forgiving, and
we agreed to meet up sometime to catch up
with our stories.

the fifth clue of this story is,
ironically, my this teacher-producer recently
just got intouch with his teacher on this very same
week which he also has been trying to get in touch
with for 4 years now.

and the final sixth,
a few friends came over.
got drunk. and we talked
about our past. i dig into
mine, which i thought i almost
forgotten.

the people in my life.
the pain, memories, sweet, happiness,
depression, negative energies, lessons,
selfishness, crying, betrayal, anger, youth,
foolishness,

all came back. dream. fail. dream. fail.

i felt all of them, the very moment i talked about
them.

and i look at myself now,

i think i deserve atleast a clap for myself.

i think i do.

its been tiring and difficult.

but least, i'm here.

now.

i'm still not certain what all these clues/pieces
are summing too. cause if you want me to look
closely of this entire month, there are atleast
more than 6 of them. through out the entire month,
i've been bumming into females that i've affection for.
conversation with some special people that able for me
to reflect of myself. destiny that leads some
potential development of relationships.
and i struggle to puzzle them altogether. and fear
that i’ve missed out the obvious ones.

and the butterflies are still increasing in numbers.

i'm not sure what its all trying to tell me.
but i'm sure certain, there is atleast something
out there, and it is certainly telling me something.

let's hope that its not signaling that my time is almost up,

cause it feels like only the beginning.

(of an end?)

:)


-chinyew