merry 'o merry.

mene, mene tekel, parsin.
- Daniel 5:25

Merry Christmas to all.

-chinyew

CINTA

do you feel the pain?

i feel it sometimes.

when its dark.

when everything really literally feel like "fades".

everything fades.

and you enter it.

and i feel it sometimes.

that i do miss her.

is it alright? to think of her?
is it healthy to be like this?
especially you yourself feel
like its been too long.

where i keep all this?
this feels like a chest.
locked so long, it actually hurts
to see the lock rust.

i. i got to start stating "I".

yes. i miss HER.

i miss her so bad, i'm starting
to think that i'm crazy,
thinking that i am sub-consciously
miss of a person rather than
her specifically.

could it be possible?

or could it be that she
was my first, and its really
difficult to always forget
yr "firsts". especially
when its

LOVE.

*expressing from the movie, CINTA.

Have you forgotten?

how things fall apart,
and how they form-back,
then break into scattered-pieces again,
then you try and figure how
every pieces links and see
the final image,

the answer.

my task is to understand the answer.
the pieces of clues given.
by who? that's inclusive of the ultimate
answer.

this week has been a week filled
with pieces.

(but according to masters, every single
moment there's a piece falling upon you,
is the matter of yr brain adjusting the
time frame speed*awakening, to see it)

early of the week,
i was parkin my car.
i'm a lazy driver and i hate driving.
car doesn't fancy me. for me, a car
is just a box with 4 wheels to bring
me around. thus, i've never been too
obsessed with parking. sometimes,
you'll see cars that park bad. and
sometimes i could be that car.

but particularly, that day, i was being
particular. a funny feeling in me that
causes me to feel unsatisfactory with
the way i parked. and so i parked.
got off, and look at it. enters again.
park again. got off. stares at it again.
and then park again. it went on for a couple
of times.

finally, i was satisfied, which i personally
thought to myself, that it was exactly
the way i first parked.

anyhow, i made peace with myself and tried
to walk away from the car. i turned for a
few glances as i walk, i told myself
not to.

then, i saw the back of a girl who was
walkin in front of me. there was a construction
guy workin beside the street. as i watch the
girl walk pass him, i could see his attraction
of the girl and i thought to myself then,
this girl should be quite a good look. and so, as
a normal-average guy would do, i tried to overtake
the girl, and pretend to look back and see
how good looking she was.

and i did, and i was surprised it was a girl
i knew back in highschool. we exchange some
update info of friends and us. it was brief.

and that's one piece of clue.

and here's the second piece,
i was in a cafe, writing. the very same day.
it was getting late, i thought i pass by
the casher and greet him, since i've
been coming to this cafe so often.
as i waved to him, i couldn't help notice
that he seems very familiar. i asked for
his name, and i was surprised that i do
know him.

when i was 13, i used to work for my
uncle in a jeans factory cutting extra threads
of jeans. it was a boring job.
and this guy, who used to be a driver
for my uncle, used to invite me to
join him to deliver goods.

it was pretty cool hanging out with him.
it feels like being a cowboy.
in a truck. rock music. cigarettes.
it felt free. we would woo chicks as we drive
pass them. it was fun.

and ironically, i've been thinking about
this guy for a couple of weeks now,
and surprisingly, i bump into him.

and the funniest thing is, i've been goin to this
cafe for weeks now, and both of us didn't
even recognize each other till i greeted him
that very day.

and that was the second.

and now for the third,

back home.
a friend of mine, smsed me asking
hows the progress with my artist friend,
was he still mad at me about the newspaper
incident. i was angry at his sms, and i replied
back, stating that, there is no problem between
i and my artist friend. we're all cool. and i told
him that he shouldn't be having such negative thoughts
of i and my artist friend.

ironically, a few minutes later, my artist friend
called and stated that he wants to pull out
from 30dayartist.

i paused. i felt the energy. the force doin its work.
my first instinct was to persuade my friend to
stay. that feeling was strong. and till this very
day, my artist friend is still among us, 30dayartist.

now fourth piece, the very next day.
i was just having a casual conversation with
a fellow colleague. somehow we ended up talkin
about a korean movie. i told her i remembered
when it was shown in the cinema because that
was the very last movie and on the very same day
i broke up with my ex. and she remembered when
it was shown, because that was the very day she left
this company. we joined(she re-joined) this company
at the same time, this time.

at the very same day,
i received a call from a friend stating that
my ex wanted to have dinner with us the next day.

i rejected, because i already had plans the next day.

went back home, saw one side of a socks belong
to my ex, dangling out from the drawer.

and that was the fourth, now the firth,

the next day.

i was in a shower. i remembered my first 2 producers
that gave me my first production job and taught
me many things about production. with their lessons,
i was able to learn the local production faster.
i was fired from the company then, because of some
circumstances which i chose my art over them.

it was unavoidable.

since, i've always wanted to apologize to them
and wanted to thank them for what they have
taught me. till this very day, i still share
stories to fellow colleagues of the intense training
of only 3 months, that able to taught me so much
that i find it even hard to learn it,
in the local production of 3 years.

the very moment i first stepped into their office,
was the bench-mark of my current now obsessive-discipline
production attitude that made me from a PA, to a producer
than a director, and now a script writer, all in a 2 years period.

so, i picked up the phone and i called them.
and surprisingly they were forgiving, and
we agreed to meet up sometime to catch up
with our stories.

the fifth clue of this story is,
ironically, my this teacher-producer recently
just got intouch with his teacher on this very same
week which he also has been trying to get in touch
with for 4 years now.

and the final sixth,
a few friends came over.
got drunk. and we talked
about our past. i dig into
mine, which i thought i almost
forgotten.

the people in my life.
the pain, memories, sweet, happiness,
depression, negative energies, lessons,
selfishness, crying, betrayal, anger, youth,
foolishness,

all came back. dream. fail. dream. fail.

i felt all of them, the very moment i talked about
them.

and i look at myself now,

i think i deserve atleast a clap for myself.

i think i do.

its been tiring and difficult.

but least, i'm here.

now.

i'm still not certain what all these clues/pieces
are summing too. cause if you want me to look
closely of this entire month, there are atleast
more than 6 of them. through out the entire month,
i've been bumming into females that i've affection for.
conversation with some special people that able for me
to reflect of myself. destiny that leads some
potential development of relationships.
and i struggle to puzzle them altogether. and fear
that i’ve missed out the obvious ones.

and the butterflies are still increasing in numbers.

i'm not sure what its all trying to tell me.
but i'm sure certain, there is atleast something
out there, and it is certainly telling me something.

let's hope that its not signaling that my time is almost up,

cause it feels like only the beginning.

(of an end?)

:)


-chinyew