Sunday, June 24, 2007



it's over.

i prepared/trained myself of adapting
the departure of new friends and
the adrenaline rush, even before
it was over.

i tried.



the detaching feels awkward and painful.

what is this, departure thing?


the going-away./?

the letting-go./?

the goodbyes./?

i'm easily attached.

i'm easily inspired.

easily to be passionated about.

and suddenly,

easily feel for it.

what is this "thing" that i have?


to think. to be specific.
to know. to like.
to affirmed. to right.

this soul that i have.

that everyone has,

the voice within.

many has forgotten.

many has not know.


everyone has it.

the voice within.

the knowing.

even without asking.


i tried not to rhyme in things.

i tried not to affect anything.

am i a clean person?

it has always been about that,
don't you all think so?

being clean.

as a person.

in life.

being good.

clean heart. clean soul.

i think sometimes,

am i clean?

are you all clean?

are anywhere clean?

i was witnessing/experiencing a filmmaking process
in my country, Malaysia. we had to shot them
in various places of Kuala Lumpur.
and i realized that my city is a very dirty

but i'm thankful the area that i'm living in now,
is still quite clean.

i won't tell you where. because i'm afraid
some of you might come and dirtied it.

sorry, i'm just being thankful now
that my parents had chose to live here.
and with my thankfulness, and guilt
for taking/taken it for granted,

i am sorry-but-thankful now.

selfish it is, some of you might say,

but being attentive is what-i-say.


i do not like,

and i think i never will.









ok, i do not blame you.
how can i-when it is the beauty that
you are cursed with.

of you soul.

it's clean.

and i think to myself,

am i a clean person?


guess, i'll use more shampoo
the next time i washes my

but i did not invite it.

i hid myself.

but-then it showed me.

it inspired me again.

to love.

3 years/.

(and counting)


a new word i learn/learned

in the movie "Libertine."

(johnny depp, smart-man,
of choosing scripts to play.)

"am i a cynical person?"



*inspired from-after watching


p/s: oh yes,

happy brithday,

(in order of dates)





have i mentioned that i'm training myself
to feel thankful all the time.

i want love. and to be loved.

thank you all.

*who do you all hoped to see?*


and that is love.

*ending till the song "saxon shore - July 5" ends.*

*weird eyes*

July 5th is comin....


will update you.


Red House Painter starts.

i begged of you to stay,

atleast till the song ends.

or maybe-even till the entire playlist finishes,
if you really want to know me.


Tuesday, June 19, 2007


ok, i'm recovering day by day.

depression kicks in sometime.

i dunno why.

but the pills tend to help.

it calms me down.

but the drawback is, most of the time,
i want to be alone.

she ask me to love myself more.

i am.

i'm certain of.

the only lack of thing is havin this other
half to love and love back.

it's been 3 years now, i last taste
the scent of love.

yes, i'm a romanticism.

and emo too.


sometimes i'm used to being alone.
sometimes i have this urge to talk to
someone in a lighter and sentimental tone.

the emo music kicks in sometime.
sometimes a hardbeat track.

i dance to it.


i'm an eccentric person.

i try not to be.

the mood swing irritates people.

i know.

my harddisk crash.

most of the good shots i took are gone.

i recall my arrogance.

karma hits my face time and time again.

i never learn.

i try to learn.

i gotto learn.

this time.


Friday, June 08, 2007



she has someone.

and this is this.

and that is that.

nothing is higher nothing is lower.

it is just 'different'.

God made every individual special of
it's own.

every only-1-piece of it's kind.

the only difference is that we are difference.

i ask everyone surrounding me,

am i arrogant?

some i could tell with the hearts,
who are friend and who are my foes.

i like the idea of giving.
i'm trying to give.
i feel bad.
of myself.
and the things i've created.
things that are not positive enough.
i'm failing myself.

but yet, after the depression,
i get charged up.

and it's this very moment,
where people realized this
is the truth
of Life.

the One truth.

the truth.


she does not know? or,

we're just different.


being in a Malaysia film production
is like being in a ship bypassing a
heavy storm while you are high.

Monday, June 04, 2007

standby. camera. and....


will have to wake up in another
5 hours or so.

i'm workin on a feature now.

exciting like hell.

i'm doin the "behind-the-scenes".

i'm appointed to direct the "making of"
this feature.


wrong term. who is there to direct
when i'm doin the entire project myself.

me, tripod and my camera.

my tag says "the making of - director".

i request to be called "The Maker" instead,
due to i making the entire project myself.

don't get me wrong, i love my job.

it's exciting like hell.
feels like making my short film,
ala documentary of how a feature film is made.

i'm very fortunate.
i thank God-The Force everyday.
or try for every single moment.

the director of this feature is Jack Neo.
his known in Singapore.
the leading lady is Fann Wong, Asia superstar.

amazing shoot.
tight hours. little sleep.
pressured crew. tight budget.

but experienced and interesting
upper heads.

i love my job.

i walk around.
a retro Good Morning towel
wrapped around my neck, ala scarf.
listening to my brother's Creative Mp3 player
on one side of my ear. (just incase anyone
screams for me.) strap on gaffer and masking tape
on my semi-body hugging bag, ala postman's bag.
shooting everyone and the entire process with
my 30GB hard disk based camera.

it's day 19 of shoot day.
and i've atleast 20 hours of footages
saved on an external harddisk.

i know. it's suicidal.

but it's fun.

i've been helping the crew to load
equipments to the truck.

it has been almost a year now since
i've gotten my hands dirty on a shoot.

love to be back.

could feel my muscles stretching it's way
for space.

work's great.

career is smooth, so far.


where's my love?

one thing i've lacked of.

"the ones i loved, never loves me."