Monday, August 22, 2016

Duo Exhibition at Findars

Duo exhibition at Findars. It's been awhile. But yea. Go to my Patreon page to read the full story: DAY 01

Saturday, August 01, 2015

August Again. It hasn't been August like this for awhile.

Hey, it's August again. It used to be my month of making art.
Now I make art everyday :)

Come check out

I've been painting and painting. And making comics all over again.
Falling in love and then out all over again.

Again; a song i wrote when i was in high school. sort of became
a high school hit among close friends :D

Days like this, it's Bon Iver spinning time..


Saturday, June 06, 2015

the buzz of the air

you hear laughter, you laugh along.
they laugh with you, you laugh with them.
eventually everyone gets everyone.
you are part of them, and they get a little part of you.
yet they wouldn't know the entirely part of you.
you step forward, lean backwards, trying to find balance.
before you found it, the room is cleared, and it's silent again.

but not entirely silent, you can hear the buzz of the air.

Friday, June 05, 2015

the curse

you meet her.
then you get to know her.
you like her, then she leaves.


Friday, May 29, 2015

signs of letting go.

how can you tell?

you think of it less. everyday. bit by bit.

eventually months. then years.

comes a random day in your life and you suddenly wonder;

"how is she."

(or not.)


Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Day 433: The Day I Met Her

The day I met her it all changed.

I always have things pre-programmed.

When she came into my life, it all went berserk.

I had to rethink alot of things.

I realized I wasn't as stable as I thought I would be.

I should take time off to be alone and understand
about myself more before heading forward.

But if she feels the same, I'd love to join her.


Monday, May 07, 2012

Day 344

Was in KL for a week.
All my trips are fantastic.

Met a new friend.
She's like an update version of all the
girls i've met.

She has the perfect criteria that I like.

But always the question goes back to
whether are my criteria fits them.

our geographical and future timeline are
quite different and far apart.

we know what we want.

the cards are clear.

aftermath of Bersih 3.0 was still rippling
when I was in KL.

sigh, my country has been broken into
2 sets of mind.

hopefully the breaking doesn't get much worse.

some of us just don't realize how wonderful Malaysia
is as compared to many countries.

i wish we could get ourselves together before anything gets

mom's TV is broken. told her it was a good sign for
her to realize she has so much more time to do other
things as compared to just spent the entire day on a couch
watching TV.

watched Avengers in the cinema. it was fantastic!

felt like a kid again.

signed the scholarship papers.

can't wait for NY to happen.

at the same time, nervous and stress out
with so many preparation.

now let's hope i make more money till then...


Friday, April 27, 2012

Day 340

Do you have any idea how time flies?

I mean really.

Time really flies.

It is not a metaphor commonly muttered out.

It is a true fact.

I can be witness of it!


well, anyway...

It's been too long.

Meeting someone is difficult.

I mean really.

Getting to know an opposite who someone has characteristics
that fascinates you. It's all about that right? Having characteristics
that attracts people.

Not only affectionately, but also in professionally.

In my industry, I've to show my affection for my love
of the craft, the art of film making. and merely a craft
that tells story in the moving visual format.

 I love comics.

I miss comics.

But I make more money by using my talent
to sell commercials. Make money.

 It's all about surviving here in Jakarta.

It's all about making the best out of it.

All about enjoying life to the fullest.

Nobody suffers here.

It may seem they are, but I'm quite certain
after living in Indonesia, or Jakarta at least,
that people here strive to live, to have the
best in life of every possibility they can.

They can.

It does get tiring sometimes.

That is why, as I grow older I understand
what this means. Of finding characteristic
in that opposite that attracts you, in any

And you exchanging the intellectual subject
of whatever level, that somehow fascinates
both of you, you have found love.

And love is what the Beatles and John Lennon had
been talking about. Hell, the Bobs of Dylan and Marley
were geniuses who wrote songs about love.

And where it only matters.

Yet I deny not the truth, that when it comes
to craftsmanship skill that you possess,
love does exist too in that manner.

Love not only the sexually or beings type,
but the universally posses nature of caring
and wanting and longing and dreaming
and craving, that it exist in all beings.

Everyone wants it, we longs for it,
hell, we fuckin NEED it.

Jesus talks about love.

And I live here, always looking, wondering
and staring at a culture I newly discover,
I interprets of what i know, and let it blends
comfortably in my system,

I learn.

and learn.

and learn.

and learn.
and learn.




Saturday, April 07, 2012

Day 319: It's been too long

Had an intense shoot while I was back in KL.
Synchronicity links all the star together and
everything went perfectly fine.

Told my current boss that I needed to go
home to shoot a viral for a friend. He told
me okay, and when I come back I should
test the Red Scarlet camera for him. Told
him okay.

As I walked out his room, an idea hit me,
why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

And so he flew a DP and an assistant from
Jakarta to Malaysia to shoot the viral for me.

Amazingly the DP used to live in NY for 12 years.
Perfect friendship for me to ask about NY before
I head there this Dec.

And so we shot for 3 days, a van, total 5 of us,
lots of joy, traveled the entire KL city, with
a Red Scarlet, ran away from security guards,
lost my voice, good food, drinks and a lovely
cute doberman.

The shots look amazing and definitely a plus
to my reel, and definitely gonna crack me
more gigs.

Before I flew back to Jakarta manage to catch
up with Mom, was able to see her off to Taiwan,
and she came back right before I head back to
Jakarta. Had a great meal with her, we chatted,
and she was full of joy and laughter. I'm proud
of her and she's my superhero. I know it's
strange to say this from a son, but my mom
have matured alot since I last saw her.

I spent my birthday while working.
31 this year. Am getting very much older.

Every end of a relationship seems to be an anchor
to my life. Moving on but yet the drag of the weight
is still there. But definitely moving on.

Thoughts does cross my mind sometimes,
what and why am I doing here.

So many things have change, so many things
have grown and end.

Managed to see the painting studio for one
last time. We moved our paintings out.
I remembered I lost a coupon for long distance
call 2 years ago. Thought of a plot, if I've found
it now, I would call her. At least to say Hi,
and that I miss her. Nothing more than that.

But of course, life is not a plot, nor movie.

Paintings were moved out, end of an era,
end of a chapter.

Great to see Emma, my god daughter.
She can walk now. And mumbles.
I'm sure the next time I'm back,
she'll be able to talk.

Back and forwd, that's my life now.
Taking planes like buses.
Finishing big jobs, dealing with
big bosses and clients, managing
work politics, filtering people
that doesn't matter and people
who does.

All is good, all is fine.

Started smoking again,
coughing like fuck.

Stopped running.

Keep telling myself, tomorrow is gonna be better.
Tomorrow I'll make the big bucks,
tomorrow I'll do the cool+big jobs,
tomorrow I'll find her,
tomorrow I'll give mom the big cash that she'll be proud,
tomorrow I'll have time to finish the last chapter
of I See So Many Butterflies,
tomorrow I'll be healthy again, read a book, eat healthy,
drink less coffee, less alcohol.
tomorrow she'll find me.


Sunday, February 26, 2012

Day 286:Speeding Life

Life moves so fast.

So many things have changed in the last 5 days:

1. I've went in-house with a Production House that
has helped me to extend my working visa.

2. I've moved out from my place,
and moved back into Uncle's.

Both concurrently happened at the same time!

Imagine how tired it was for me.

Since I gotten my own place,
I've bought so many things.
I came to Jakarta with only a bag,
and now I've 2 bags and 5 boxes of stuff.

Felt like a loser and shameful moving
back to my Uncle's place.

Kept apologizing for troubling him.
He told me that it's okay, that he understands,
and he had went through the same before.

That we are almost like family.

I could almost cry.

We had Guinness, and the next following day,
I started reporting to the production house.

Life is like that;

You'll have your downs,

and learned that it can never be ups all the time.

"It's what you are when you are down or up that defines what you are and will be."

I swore to myself from today onwards,
I'll forever remember those who
had stuck with me during my downs,
and forever grudge to those who had fled.

"I'll remember you when I'm up there."


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Day 281: Yay, Malaysia!

I've got an email today from Malaysia stating
that they have approved my 3 months scholarship
at New York Film School!

Yay! Even though my rent is due in 3 days,
and I've no money to pay the rent, and I haven't
got any call back for job, I still feel, YAY!

It feels like the concept of faith in God;
even though the present seems dark,
I know at the end of the tunnel it is bright.

Today is the birthday of a dear old friend who
had passed away 2 years ago. A good friend
who had helped me very much in my career.

I dedicate this post to him, and thank You
God for the blessings.

I'll live strong and continue the fight for


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Day 275: 1 circle

am back. was away for more than a month.
didn't want to go home at first.
thought that i should stay in Jakarta
since i'm running out of funds and needed
a job, thought i should stay during the
holiday-festive season, even though jobs
were low. i wanted to be the 'standby man'.

but synchronicity leaded a call from
Malaysia, telling me that i was short-listed
for the New York film school scholarship
i applied months ago. and i had to go back
for an interview on the 9th of January.

after consideration, i took the earliest
flight back. even though the chances are
slim, but it's New York man. i'm sure
every artist in the world dreams of
visiting New York at least once.

and so i went for the interview.
don't ask me how it turned out,
i thought it was good, wasn't
sure what the committee thought
though, since it's been weeks
i haven't heard from them.

and so i stayed back Malaysia
till Chinese New Year. since
it's only corners away, and
so i stayed.

it was the best trip back.
i was inspired by many events,
even though a little disappointed moments
and heartbreaking scenarios,
but it was filled with awakening-emotional
heart warming moments that was
filled with love from friends and family.

the above was an additional reason
i didn't wanted to come home,
the attachment.

but i dare to say now,
i've not a single regret of
coming back home.
guess i've needed it.

i learned one very important thing in life,
even though that it's a little platitude;

"it is always hard to leave home."

(i even almost miss my flight!)

God knows was it even a subconscious act
of denial wanting to leave.

i phew at seconds of arriving at the
boarding gate before it closes,
paid an enormous fees to the cab
driver for breaking the law of speeding,
and ran like i've never ran before,
a speed record which i would have broken,
if only i wasn't carrying a 20kg load
of luggage.

i sweated like a pig in the plane.
made a new indonesian friend who was
sitting next to me and i guarantee
that he had felt my heat and sweat,
which i swear at least a drop of it
have landed onto his arm that
was resting on the arm-rest.

we talked about my escapade to jakarta,
he told me about his 7 years studying
and working in Germany and Czech Republic,
(fantastic women and booze!).

we talked about his family life and life of being a father.
i shared with him my experience of watching my
good friends with their family and children.

we sigh,
and i said to him, 'it is not easy.'
he replied, 'yes, it isn't.'

i wonder if he had thought that i meant either:

A. that it was not easy BEING a father and raising a kid


B. that it was not easy TO OBTAIN a family and a kid.

which ever it is,
i personally feel it's both,

and i begin to learn to love my father and mother
even more.

with this i share with you a song i newly discovered
during my trip back in Malaysia.

i was surprised that it was sang by a fellow Malaysian!

i've been away for almost a year,
and now i discovered that the artscene in Malaysian
have significantly improved and matured,

which is what i would love to talk about tomorrow,



Wednesday, January 25, 2012


watching/listening to this again and again
makes me feel that i've not done enough in my life,
there are places i should be going.

the potential is so big!

the world is so big.

wait for me.

wait for me.


Thursday, January 05, 2012

As human beings we all make mistakes. We sin. But, people who are bad make a lifelong, regular habit out of it and have very little, if any, sense of remorse. Actually, they rather enjoy it. There's a sense of autonomy, self-determination, and blazing one's own path that seems to thrive in a person who recognizes no rules but his/her own and no authority other than the desires of his/her own heart.

i found this article when I was googling for 'Is Obama a bad man?'
by reading the above, could you think of anyone that you used
to know? do you feel like one? that's because i'm talking about
you :P

Anyway, here's the entire article:

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

wow, we're at (not quite :(

Wow, this could have been us up there eh?
Imagine how crazy it would have been,
if there have mentioned us.

anyway, here was my comment for the video


2005, i quit my job, rented a room and painted
40 canvases in 30 days via updated daily
on a blog,
since, we had various artists from around
the world participating the same challenge
at the site.

Matt Cutts' 3 minutes video made so much
impact as compared to the blog i've ran
for 5 years (which recently just closed down)
I agree 110% of what he had said, and have
been presenting the same message every where i go.

i'm shocked to have stumbled upon this
presentation and it gave me goose-bumps
knowing that someone else shares the same
views as i have of the 30-days-movement
so passionately. (a thought of that i could have
been the one up there crosses my mind briefly :P)

i was a printing sales guy before i did
the challenge on 2005. since, i've ventured
myself into the art world, published books+
comics, appeared on television+newspaper+etc,
invited for speeches, direct tv shows and
presently directing TV commercials.

my next goal would be to direct my own
feature someday and maybe bring home
an Oscar to my country.

crazy? yeah, that's what 30 days of
devotion to something you believe in
can do to you. it builds your confidence,
forces you to deal with your demons+negative+
laziness, (sometimes) forces good
art out of you, and also make peace
with the bad ones.

Out of the 40 works/paintings, i'm definitely
sure there will be at least 1 masterpiece.

Setting a target of 40 works in that 30 days
also forces you to better time manage your
work as an artist. painting 1 a day is too
comfortable, and I believe sometimes
'comfort' is a distraction to an artist.

additionally, posting on a blog via daily
pressures you to post/work daily just so
you won't be embarrass and disappoint
your viewers. the comment box in the blog
also helps when the audiences shouts
at you for not working, and also encourages
at time.

so-yeah, i 110% agree with what Matt said
and encourages anyone to go and give the
30 days challenge a try.

cheers to all and peace.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

"If you come to Indonesia you'll understand why; nobody gives a shit. it is just IS, and not whether what works better or doesn't, it's just 'time'. and the people here have too much of it. so even if you throw them the most awesome-ness treatment for them, is just IT. in a general rule, this applies to almost everything in Indonesia, "more about quantity rather than quality." so don't go waste your time thinking about it rather go spend more time writing stuff you think what works best for you!"

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Day 258: merry Xmas

as some of you must have noticed
that 30dayartist hasn't have any
artist since for the longest time.

to those who still revisit this site
religiously. (even i myself am not
clicking on it already.)

as for writing-blogging.

it's been a while.

reason being, my fear of mispelling,
bad grammar, bad typing, etc, etc.

the fear, which this site workships.

the fear of beginning.
the ending.
the result.

we all fear, yet we bravely tell
people that 'we are an artist.'

(even though it's only for the 30 days.)

i've fear to claim myself that since.

too many artist have, i won't say fail,
but have given up and fear.

it's not so much of the fear rather than
the giving up.

never give up.

cause once you do,

it's gone.

it's over.

you've lost it.

i haven't quite.

just taking a break by making money.

now i sell my talent.

that works for people,

not so much for myself these days,

but-what's important is that it serves
a purpose in serving people.

making sure people get what they should
get, the holy-all-holla-crap, the mystic of beauty.

i sell art.

we all sell.

it's the only matter of when your art is not
selling, what's next?

i chose this.
to be here.
to work.
to live.

i found work
and worked.

pays enough.
won't say large,
but liveable.

more liveable then i was back home.

but still home is home.

am good.

hope you all are well too.

i am still here to stay.

whoever still keen of giving this
process a kick, email me.

meanwhile, thank you to all past
30dayartists who had did it.

all big+small single posts from you,
i'm deeply eternity grateful for.

some made it, some fail.

but-so what?

bite me.

cheers and Merry Christmas!

(just in-case i don't see you,
have a happy new year too! :)

p/s: all files from the original site
are backup and in my safe keeping
of several hardisk copies.

i'm finding a way to upload them
for free.

and for those who just jump aboard,
i'll try my best to detail the entire thing
to you along the days.


Saturday, August 06, 2011

Friday, August 05, 2011

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Day 145: Cut reel

Spent the entire day at the post house
cutting my new reel.

Got to start spreading it around.


Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Day 144: Swimming and thinking

No work today. Took a long walk.
Different route that I used to
take. Found some interesting

Came back and took a swim.
Really long swim.

I like the silence in water.


Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Day 143: Running out of words

What do you write when yr day
becomes a routine? When everything's
the same? Do you stop?


Monday, August 01, 2011

Day 142: August again?

It's August again. Should be making art.
But am not. Maybe just do a sketch or
something? Tried picking up the pencil.

August again. Month of Ramadhan.
I remembered last year vividly
of steamboats and malls.

Miss eating roti jalar.

Went to the post house today.
Was outside while the director
presented the cut to the agency
and client. room was too small
to packed everyone in.

Feel so bored. Like I should be
doin more. i want to feel busy.
i want my mind to only filled
with work.

wish i was numb and heartless.
wish i had less feelings for

can't believe August is here again.


Sunday, July 31, 2011

Day 141: Sitting there just watching

Woke up. Made breakfast. Then had
a run, swim, basketball. The usual.
Am finding as much things to do

Watched some movies.

Checked out some other kost house.
Worried the coming 3 months i won't
be able to pay the rent. the other
places i found lately are really
dodgy and crappy. and for the price
it's not worth it at all.

the place am living is still the best.

was in the pool and was thinking how
cool if my friend were with me now.

so i messaged everyone. hoping they
would come this august.

till then, it's only me and my cans
of Guinness.


Saturday, July 30, 2011

Day 140: Cycle of life

Just watched Harry Porter finale.
Can't believe 10 years just went
like that. a decade.

Started when I was only 20.
Now 30. And finished it watching
in Jakarta. As I walked out the
cinema, I was reflecting what
I was doing a year ago.

Those were one of the happiest
days of my life.

I recalled buying roti jalar
and eating in my car, minutes
before buka puasa at Taman Tun.


got to put it behind me now.


Friday, July 29, 2011

Day 139: Pay and Rent

Thus is life,
money in, money out.

Went to the production house today
to get my pay. Came back home,
immediately used half of it and
paid my rent.

i'm lucky even to get a gig
of assisting direct this month.

have been saving on food.
can food and instant noodle.

am lucky sometimes to eat at
production and post houses.

that's what they say,
you always suffer when you're
starting out.

i've been 'starting out' too many

but i guess Jakarta is my last straw.
if this doesn't cut it, i don't
know what will.

meanwhile i'm sustaining well.

come on board, somebody give me a bloody
board! i'll do any spot!


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 138: Work=Food

Called mom. It was great to hear
her voice. A familiar voice.
Hadn't spoken Cantonese
for a long time.

Had my run. On my way back,
I went to the bagel store and
paid them for yesterday.

Then had my swim.

Went to the post house at late
afternoon. Had my lunch and
dinner there.

Came back and watched more




Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 137: Good restoration

Naturally woke up early. Went back
to sleep directly. Body needs the rest.
Could still feel my legs sore.

Went for a swim. I love the sun
at the pool. Rejoice the very moment
I dive into it. Love how the water
make my body feels. Good recovery.

Took my time in the pool.

Later bought a bagel. Forgot
to pay and walked-off.
Their Thailand ice tea is fantastic.

Watched a couple of episodes
of a HK series. It's been awhile.

Had some time to read.

It feels bloody fantastic to relax
after a previous day of hard work.

Work starts again tomorrow.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Day 135: Safe and smooth

It's the true, the more you do, the better you get.
Learn from mistakes. Made a few during the shoot.
But after this shoot, I'm quite sure that I won't
be making anymore the next one.

Building the relationship quite well with
the production house and agency.
Atleast they know my deep intention of
directing. They said they might have
something for me and will call me.
Thrilled! But won't put my hopes too
high. Just got to concentrate of what
I'm doing first, which is assisting the
director. Am still very thankful and
feel very blessed with the opportunity
that i given to me.

Wrapped on time.
The moment it wrapped, my legs
gave in. Had trouble walking.
I've overworked them.

Came back home bout 12am and
called for reflexology.

Had the most tiring sleep ever.


Monday, July 25, 2011

Day 134: Day 1 of Bank Shoot

Good so far.
Everything on time.

Was given a chance to cue the shots
and call the camera roll. Calling
Action and Cut.

Everytime I shoot, the early wake
up, late sleep and long period
of standing, screws up my diet,
toilet and foot aches.

It's almost 1am. Tomorrow call
time at 5:30am. That's like 4
and half hour of sleep.

Till tomorrow.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Day 133: Check set and ready to go

Woke up early, had my run,
then swim.

Went to the production house,
then to location to check set.

Exciting. All are ready.
Briefed the team. Client
good with the talent.

Tomorrow an early day. 4am.

i realized since i started
following the world news,
the world's a pretty grim

so many minds. so many ideology.

it's 8pm. shall go sleep now.


Saturday, July 23, 2011

Day 132: The Spirit Carries On

Odd day. I get a lot of dejavu.
Had my early run today.
Then bought a bagel on the way
back. Love bagels. Reminded me
of Harvey Pekar.

Was at production house today.
Looks like we got our talent.
Will be shooting in 2 days.

1 to be exact. A day after tomorrow.

Just heard the news that Amy WInehouse
died. Not really a fan. But it's sad to hear
a talented person dying at the age of 27.

Why so many talented musicians dies
at 27?

What's with the number?

I was born on the date 27th.


Friday, July 22, 2011

Day 131: Tricky-tricky

Hiccups at work.
Last minute the client didn't like the
talent. Only 2 more days to shoot
and we still have trouble finding the

Things get really tricky if the shoot
is canceled, that means no income
for me this month.

Credit card bill is piling up back
in KL. with my phone bills and insurance.

should i cut off my phone bill and
insurance since i'm no longer based
in kl anymore?

this final action would really meant
cutting of my last bond with kl.

and finalizing, jakarta is my home now.



Thursday, July 21, 2011

Day 130: Me love food, who doesn't?

stating the obvious.

eating carefully. properly.
been rushing like crazy lately.
with schedule and work.

hadn't got time to sit down
properly and enjoyed a meal.

bad for health.

but i've stopped smoking.
can't stand the smoke smell.
can't picture myself ever
picking up another cigarette.

now drinking, i can't stop.

love drinking.

especially my Guinness.

been longing to go to the
pub across the place i live.

but am broke. and tired.

been a long day today.

cooked indomee again.
which is bad. instant noodle.
takes awhile for it to digest
in the body.

tomorrow another long day.

till tomorrow.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Day 129: Early day again

Had an early day again today.
Went to the production house,
then recce with the rest of
the production team.

then went back to production house
to do casting.

blending well with the production
in-house team.

another early day tomorrow.

same o same o.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Day 128: Recce and scheming

Woke up real early for recce.
To check out a golf course for shoot.

All seems fine.

A day packed with work,
but i've ran out of words to elaborate.

Might be getting jaded soon.

Came back home and still had to
prepare the scheduling for the shoot.
Used to hate doing the scheduling
process and just leave it entirely to
my assistant director.

It took me awhile to get the hang of
it, but now it seems almost exciting
and fun again.



Monday, July 18, 2011

Day 127: Movies and conversation

Stuck in traffic jam like crazy today.
Was able to finish watching 2 movies.

Had coffee and beef pie inside the car.

Then meeting with a bank for a commercial
shoot. Will be ADing for it. Quite a major
shoot with 12 Mercedes C-Class and S-Class.

Not doin so financially well though.

Director told me that he might need
the Macbook he loaned me cause his
wife's broken.

Got to find funds soon for a new Mac.
It's a work tool which I'll have to
invest in. My netbook just doesn't
cut it.


Oh-money, oh-money, where are thou?
Thee need you.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

Day 126: 3 rounds and a sound

as ordinary as any day can be.

always thought i was alone back home.

now i'm truly alone.

know what it feels to wake up,
make your own meals,
and the tv is yr only friend.

i choose this.

i want this.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Day 125: Time is my biggest enemy

time is really flying.
am afraid of aging.
am 30. and seems time
really flies. fast.

i looked at myself in the mirror.
i've aged. some white hair.

some man hold their age proudly.

so much to do. so little time.

sometimes i can't remember
have i taken my pills.
cause everyday seem to be
so repetitive.

i'm thankful to God that
i'm still alive. that i'm
surviving. still able to
pay my bills. still able
to feed myself.

health and age is what
i fear most. that i'll lose
my health to the polluted air
here and the sometimes dirty

am only worried that i'll
age so fast that i'm behind
where i'm supposed to be.

am eager to direct my first
commercial. am eager to direct
my first feature. am eager
to finish and publish my graphic
novel. am eager to live at
the city i want to live.

the repetitiveness of everyday
pains my eagerness.


Friday, July 15, 2011

Day 124: Transformers

Finally the tax issue between the government
and film importers are settled. it's almost
4 months since we got any blockbuster
movies in Jakarta.

Finally i can succumb to my cinema fix.

Now let's hope I'm able to catch Harry Porter
and X-Men.

I love going to the cinemas. Even though
if it's a crappy movie, I would still go
to one every week.

I'm so used to goin alone.

And then things changed.

And much later, things reverted
back to being alone again.

But I do enjoy watching it with someone.
Especially the walk after a movie.

Was in a mall today after the meeting.
Only b-grade movies were showing.
Didn't had the mood to watch.
Not today atleast.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Day 123: Back to work

Is not that i haven't been working.
For the last 7 days since director
had left for holiday, i've been
inside my room, watching movies,
downloading and viewing tutorials
of the film camera. catching up with
lenses and lighting.

i've learned about them back before
i became a director in KL. when i
was still a production assistant,
i spent most of my time learning
the whole science of production.
and when i became a director,
i tend to slowly forgot about
it. i rely mostly on my team.
besides, we were shooting mostly
on the digital video camera,
low budget television series
that prioritize speed rather
than quality.

our camera is mostly set in
auto mode and given only an
additional wide angle lens.

thus, i'm here, no longer spoon-fed,
i've got to buckle up.

these days if you're hardworking
and intense enough, you can get any
tutorial in the internet. you can
be anyone or any profession.

even though 'knowledge' is power,
it's the people you know and your
personality that eventually lands
you the job.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Day 122: 4 white walls and 1 white ceiling

Some asked why do i live in
such expensive place.
to me, it's not expensive,
it's decent.

for me, the ceiling and walls
are important. nothing fancy,
as long it's clean and white.

you'll be surprise how hard
it is to find a room like
that in Jakarta.

i like white walls and ceilings.

it's what i'll be seeing for
a long consecutive of time.
and i think it helps with one's
psychology and mental state.

every morning when i open my
eyes, i see the white ceiling.

every tiring day coming back home,
the moment i open the door,
i see the white walls.

me like white.



Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Day 121:Run it all out

a close friend who is also working overseas
text me saying he was feeling depress.

i replied stating that i understood exactly
what he meant and that he should try running
it out, it might help. he said it was great idea.
i replied to him, "yeah-thanks, now i myself
gonna go for a run." he replied "sorry."

after leaving the production house,
picked up my passport, i walked into
McDees, thinking maybe i should buy
dinner for tonight. as i studied what
to order, i suddenly remembered
a promise i made with a friend long time
ago that i should stop eating McDees for
a year. i also promised her to live
healthier. and so i did;

i've stopped smoking almost a month.
run and swim an average of 3 times a week.
taking multiple supplements. eat healthy.

i need to live longer. i need to earn
more money. for a better life, longer life.

i walked out McDees empty handed.

once i put my bag into my room,
i instantly changed, grab my iphone,
and then my sneakers, my comfortable
nike free. looked at it for a moment,
i forced the memories back in.

and i ran.

i keep pushing myself further
and faster for every run.

run till i see stars.

run till i'm out.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Day 120: shall be it.

120 days.

it feels weird waking up
to a place that your are
not familiar, thinking
that you are still home,
'where the fuck..**'

it takes me awhile to
register and realizing,

i wake up and sit at the edge
of the bed and repeatedly tell myself,
'this is home now, this is home now.'

then i freshen up myself,
make breakfast and watch TV news
over it.
'this is the world.'

i usually have time to do some
running or just some basic exercise
before i head to work, walk out
and reach for a cab and smell the
horrible air.
'welcome to Jakarta.'

at work, i struggle with the language
due to how my brain is embedded with
bahasa malaysia that sound almost similar
yet significantly different from the
bahasa indonesia. colleagues laugh
and seems sincere enough to correct me,
only realizing a couple days later
from the cab driver's laughter,
that i've been tricked, worse, he said
he has no change for the fare.
they always fuckin don't have
change for the fare.
'this is indonesia.'

walked to the pub and people greeted
me by my name, welcoming me.
i ordered my usual Guinness, dinner,
and leaved a big tip afterwards.
people bids me farewell and shake
my hand asthough i just left a wedding.
'this is indonesia.'

got back to my room, shower,
do some some pull ups till
i fuckin can't feel my arms,
i die down, lay myself on bed,
look at the flat-white ceiling
and think to myself,

'this is my life now,

and shall be it.'


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Day 119: Games of Thrones and a cut.

Couldn't wake up at 5am.
Slept at 3am. Been watching
episodes of Games of Thrones.
i love HBO series.

just finished the last episode.

cut my thumb just now as i
attempt to cut open the
ice cream plastic box.

cut's pretty deep.

a few days ago as i was washing
the dishes, and my fruit knife,
i thought to myself what happens if
i accidentally cut myself. like
cutting off a finger. what would
i do? i don't even know the
emergency no. to call in Jakarta.
it'll be scary.

it's weird really.

then i was just in a pool.
floating, looking up the sky,
i suddenly thought of an old
friend i haven't heard awhile.
then that same evening, she
emailed me.

watched TV, a series was quoting
from the book Secret.

my thumb's cut is pretty deep.
googled how to stop the bleeding
and when it's too serious that
i should get medical help.

it's been an hour i think,
and bleeding's slowing down.

maybe if i focus with my mind,
i can make the bleeding stop.


Saturday, July 09, 2011

Day 118: Peace

My home country's having a rally.
Quite major one. 'Rally' is a nicer
way of saying 'demonstration'.

so much anger.

some of my friends went for it.

i followed the news on tv and
web stream closely. i miss home.

interesting day today with
the South Sudan gaining independence,
and Egypt demonstrating again.
seem to overshadowed Malaysia's rally.

to clear my head, i went for a run.
then a swim. came back and made
dinner. fried rice. called mom.

there's a Sunday Morning Run tomorrow.
think i'm goin. 6am. gawdddd....


Friday, July 08, 2011

Day 117: Cook Rice

Went to a post production house
today to discuss the process
of the next shoot.

Bank commercial. It's exciting
to AD a shoot which is not food
or product.

After the meeting I went to get
my first haircut in Jakarta.
I always get my haircut with
a stylist in Malaysia.

Not too bad the outcome.

Later went to did some grocery shopping.

There was an art store.
Bought an Ox hair brush and
black drawing ink. I only uses
my windsor newton brush and ink.
but thought i give other brands
a try. hand held a brush for so long.

shall see if i'll ever use it.

bought a rice cooker. rice. can food.
pan. oreos. vegetables. fruits. shampoo.

learned when you go shopping alone,
careful not to buy more than you can

it was crazy trying to get a cab
with my hands overwhelmed.

reached home. cooked my first rice.
made my first dinner. so tired of
eating instant noodles and powder
formed soup.

today is about giving in and


Thursday, July 07, 2011

Day 116: No work and play. (not really)

no work today.

stayed in my room
and watched movies.

cooked spaghetti.

went for a swim.

watched more movies.

probably gonna watch another one.


Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Day 115: Work and no play

Had an early call today.
Rushed to the post house.

Waited till evening, went
to a production meeting.

A bank commercial shoot which
I'm gonna AD.

Came back home. Showered.
Tomorrow director's heading
for holiday.

I walked to the bar. 2am.
Enough time to finish 2 Guinness.

Walked back home. Lay on bed.
Looking at the ceiling.

Slowly doze off.


Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Day 114: Nightmares

been getting nightmares lately.
past memories.
very disturbing.

5am, i forced myself back to sleep.

keep praying to God for me to

woke up 8am. body feels tired.
forced myself back to sleep.

12pm. had to wake up.
need to be at immigration office
by 2pm.

didn't felt hungry. ate a piece
of bread and drank water.

reached immigration office.
noticed most officers were
wearing slippers.

had my picture taken and fingerprints

head of to director's house. only reaching
there, meeting canceled. took a pajai home
and called for laundry.

made tomato soup for dinner. and bread.

did some work.

watched some TV.


thought a run could help.

bad idea. at night there's when
people burn their rubbish.
could smell plastic.

but still i ran. as fast as i could.

came back exhausted.
showered. ate fruits.

probably gonna do a little more
work before i head to bed.


Monday, July 04, 2011

Day 113: Socializing

Woke up, make egg toast.
Then watched a movie.

Head to audio post.
It was great to see uncle.
Had white wine. Then meeting.

It was interesting seeing
how everyone clicked.

Then joined for audio recording.

Later we had Japanese food
with the agencies.

I listened to many of their
interesting conversation.

Got to pick up my
The Art of Mingling book again.


Sunday, July 03, 2011

Day 112: Routine

Woke up. Watched a movie.
Then had my run. Swim.

Came back home, made lunch.

Then went to director's house,
only half way, meeting canceled.

Paid the patjai(mini motor cum. car) guy
5 thousand, that's the amount i used
to pay. he said not enough and asked
for 10. argued with him that i usually
pay 5. he persist he wanted it.
so i gave him another 2.

had dinner at friend's house.
finally, some home cooked food.

then skyped with buddy from malaysia.
it was great chatting in my malaysian-english

then went to the cinema with friend
and wifey.

watched a local movie.
didn't had subtitles.
but still i enjoyed it.
pretty touching.

received a brochure of an apartment.
thinking of purchasing it cause it's
so cheap. almost like paying my monthly
rental now. might as well i buy
my own place right?

but it's not so easy, especially
without a permanent salary, the bank
wouldn't loan me any money.

only way is to ask from my parents.
hadn't ask from them for awhile.
hadn't even give them any money for

another way is to get my first directing
gig and halleluya!


Saturday, July 02, 2011

Day 111: Pffft!

Woke up. Felt really lazy.
Forced myself to sleep in longer.

Woke up, had lunch, then watched
a movie. Korean action-packed.
Pretty good.

Read a little.

Then slept again.

Sun was shining in.
Wind blowing.
Felt peaceful,
yet a lonesome feeling.

Woke up late evening.
Messaged uncle for dinner.
Met up, had duck rice.
Then went over to his place
to play FIFA. missed the cats.
Uncle gave me his medical pillow
which i've been searching for

went back home.
watched tv.
took my pills.

off to bed.


Friday, July 01, 2011

Day 110: Tough

No work for this coming month,
cause the current production
house the director is working
for already has an assistant

means no pay this month.
means gotto watch on my
spending this month.

no fear, instant noodle
and white bread shall be
my friend.

no more drinking for me.
no more bars.
no more junk food.

no fancy food or cakes.

shall go on diet this month.

i'll live through it.

missing home.

missing special friend.

stupid. stupid. stupid.


Thursday, June 30, 2011

Day 109: Nothingness

Woke up 8am.
Had my run, and then swim.

Made breakfast. Toast and cereal.

Went to post house. While waiting
for director, I read. About
the film camera. Tough stuff.
Feels like studying for school

Came back home. Bought more
bread. Made dinner. Macaroni.

Watched a movie.

At the balcony. Looking out.
Skyscrapers. Breath.

Hate the air.




Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day 108: bye bye WHN9190

My car in Malaysia was sold today.

That marks goodbye to the car that
have been with me for more than 10 years.
Since I was in college. Since I had
my first girlfriend. And also my last.

Drove that car to many places.
Friends, girls, families, colleagues.

Sentimental person; i find it very
hard to say goodbyes.

Seeing things go.

Luckily I'm not back home to see
it been driven away.

Not once my car for that 10 years
gave me any serious problem or
thinned my wallet rapidly.

work was okay today.
presented to client the final cut.
she was pretty satisfied with it.

ran in the morning. bout 5km.
came back, then swam.

body should be really exhausted now.

shall sleep.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day 107: Amazing popping Part 2

Continuation from yesterday,

as we wrapped, the client
walked up to me and shake
my hand and said,

"well, it was great working
with a Martell Rising Personality."

i froze a moment.

it felt weird hearing something
from another part of my world
popping here in Jakarta.

it was like a sudden water splash
into my face and waking up
from a dream.

for a short moment, 2 consciousness
exist; my artist self back in KL
and an assistant director in Jakarta.

never once since my escapade here in Jakarta,
i ever experience both of this 2 worlds
as one.

apparently the client was one
of the judges for the award back in KL.

that very moment, the director walked pass
and heard the conversation and joined us.
then another agency guy.

it was crazy. suddenly from an assistant
director that runs up and down,
i suddenly became the artist i once was.

felt a little ashamed that the judge
was there to see me like this now.

the director asked the client what
that award was about, and he replied
that it was an award to people who
have strive in their industry.

looked how much i've strive now.

as i slept last night, sequences of scenes
what inflicted me to come to Jakarta, came
flashing back.

i keep hearing voices people telling
me how talented i was, how successful
i was, yet they are not willing to
pay me the proper fees. kept telling
me 'not for this one, maybe the next one,
let's just do this one first, k?'

thanks, but no thanks.


Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 106: Amazing popping Part 1

a good day.

woke up, and was late a little
for my call time.

came back home last night,
and instantly crash into

shoot went fine. had the chance
to direct the actors again.

was pretty good.

had fun with the crew too.

i was working great with the

i learned from the last producer
i worked with, treat my actors
right and it'll benefit my future.

i used to treat extras or even
the actors very mean. abused them
like my tool. having the director
ego thinking that i'm better than
them, and i own them.

i was wrong.

aDing the actors today in a very
nice manner, i realized i really
enjoyed working with them.
and they too. even got them to
perform really well.

stressing them out just only
pisses yrself off and causes
them to feel nervous and deducts
their performances.

being friendly helps alot.

for me it's not so much about
the money. it's more about getting
yr own worth.

i'm very sensitive of the subject
of being manipulated and exploited.

will share more of today's experience

tired. need sleep.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Day 105: More pizzas...

Another day of shoot of pizzas.
only had bout 2 hours sleep.
bloody tired.

5am on locations.

just wrapped at 11pm.

only got bout another 6 hours
more to sleep till tomorrow.


don't feel like eating anymore
instant noodle.

wished i had more food stored
at home.

but what is there to eat for
a single bachelor?

shall force myself to sleep.



Saturday, June 25, 2011

Day 104: Shopping and movie

After telecine, i went to a mall.
bought some stuff; running pants,
goggles, socks, pens, envelopes
and almost bought another pair
of shoes. shoes in jakarta is pretty
cheap. no idea why.

had dinner, then watched a movie.

came back home.

not sleepy.

it's bloody 2.30am.

call time tomorrow 5.40am.



Friday, June 24, 2011

Day 103: Goin well.

2nd day of shoot.
Great success today.
Didn't get any scolding
from the director.

All went well.

Even had the chance to
shoot and direct a
workshop for the next shoot.

Yep, that's how crazy the workflow
here in Jakarta. While shooting one,
we're preparing at location for
the next one.

Presented the talents that I shot
to the director. He liked it and
told me to presented it the same
to the clients. I froze a moment.
And he looked at me sharply,
'Yeah, I want you to do it.'
Was happy and scared at the same
time. Imagine someone who is in
the highest level of the chain,
hands down an important task
to you.

almost felt like the king
knighting you.

i presented the talents to the client
and agency. it all seemed okay.
was abit nervous so I guess i didn't
performed my fullest like i usually
do back when i was directing television.

it's always fear that withholds
the confidence.

and confidence determines the quality
of performances.

eliminate fear.

and start thinking like a director.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Day 102: More pizza shoot

Early day. 5 am.
Shoot. Pizza commercial again.
It's my 3rd. Starting to get
used to food commercial.

had a long talk with the
director of photography.
learned so much from him.

so sick and tired of eating pizzas.

came back home, tired, and shall

tomorrow day 2 of shoot. 5 am.
less than 4 hours to sleep.



Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Day 100 & 101

Missed 1 day of post.
Will explain why.

One day you get discouraged,
next day you get encouraged.

we're all very dependent beings.

praises, works. and insults, hurts.

the highlight of the day
was on the way back home
from the post house.

shared a cab with the director.

he gave me advise of stepping up.

encouraged me to be careful of blending
myself with the rest of the pack.

i've to stand out from the pack.

i've to be aware of everything.

i've to know of everything.

i've to have the answers.

cause it's the very key moment when
the agency throws you a question,
and you providing them the right answer,
that's when they know that they can trust you.

we're talking about a job that pays
you USD10k per day.

we're talking about project that worth
billion of dollars.

we're talking about the branding
reputation of high profile companies.

the question you really got to ask yrself,
who the fuck are you, and why should
they give you the job where thousands of
people are fighting for.

that one very chair that everybody wants
to sit.

i want to sit.

came back home and quickly pulled out
my books on film production. didn't showered,
didn't changed, just read and read till i fell

woke up, continued reading till the cab came
and went to the audio post house.

am back now, am posting this.

shall continue my reading.

tomorrow, day 1 of a 4 day shoot.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Day 99: Crazy

Another crazy day at work.
get fucked by producer.

after all the craziness,
reached home. the moment
i entered my room,
i crashed myself to the bed.
room vibrates like a ripple

ahh..speaking of 'ripple',
wished i've brought my Dave Cooper's Ripple.
really love the artwork and story.
really miss art.

with all the craziness goin on here,
i tend to miss my art more.

but i've to keep telling myself.
art brings me no money,
and this, this shit, this craziness

but it doesn't mean i don't fancy
what i do now. well-not exactly,
i enjoy directing, but ADing is a
whole different ball game.
even after you've moved on to
directing, you tend to slowly
forget yr ADing skill. try giving
an establish director to AD for
another director. it'll be a mess.
i'm not saying everyone, maybe some can.
i think i can. i fuckin can.
i'm just saying it requires some time
to tune yrself back.

it doesn't help with all these craziness
given. it can sometime, but it doesn't
kill to give back some encouragement
to boost back the morality.
i realized that now. being here has given
me a whole new perspective of directing.

*&*%$# just can't wait to start
fuckin directing again.

anyway, getting all this craziness,
i reflect back when i was a
director in KL, i gave the craziness
to my team. and it doesn't work
i guess. it only stresses them
out more, and deflects performances.

i keep thinking, why am I getting
fucked so often, maybe it's my karma.
have i really deteriorate since after
so long I assisted anyone? have i been
spoon-fed for too long, i forgot
how's it feel to pick up a spoon myself.

whatever it is, i'm here and i gotto
do it.

no turning back, no art. that's what
i keep telling myself everyday.

every fuckin day.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Day 98: Not so long ago..

a year ago at this moment,
i'm drawing my mini comics
and selling them in an
art fair.

i become a different person
whenever i'm selling my art.
i'm proud and confident.

today i'm drawing storyboard
for commercial.

so want to be in that event
now. having my own booth.
setting and decorating it up.

timing's been crazy here.
revising boards, prepping
for shoots.

something's terribly wrong
with health.

need more sleep, eat more proper food.

i've chosen this path.
it's hard to cruise through it

drawing the storyboard now,
i imagine how much fun the artists
are having now in KL in that art fair.

drawing the storyboard now,
i misses my artist life.

as i held my pencil i suddenly realized,
i'm fuckin here.

i'm fuckin here.


Saturday, June 18, 2011

Day 97: steamboat

3 months just went by.

time really flies.

yet, it feels like a never ending
day. like a trip that never ends.

health is very easily deteriorate
in Jakarta. been hearing stories
of misdiagnosed by doctors.
really scary stories.

it's tragic for some who couldn't
afford to go overseas for
treatment have to suffer.

most food are fried.

morning i had fried fish paste.
lunch i had fried chicken.
dinner i had fried fish.

i witness how they cooked the food.
god knows how many times they
have reused the same oil to fried

it's been awhile since i had
japanese food. the thing about
japanese food is you have to
have friends to eat it with you
in able to order alot of the
small dishes.

i miss steamboat.

i miss eating steamboat in kl.

came back home from work.
turned on chet baker.
took the longest shower.



Friday, June 17, 2011

Day 96: Friends

miss my friends in KL.

a friend from KL came down
to Jakarta for work.

met up with him and had lunch,
then evening some drinks.

it was great hanging out with
an old friend. especially
so strange to walk down the streets
of Jakarta with a friend from
a different world.

hanging out with him really
made me felt the obvious
difference of socializing
in Jakarta and KL.

two different kind settings.
the economical condition plays
a very strong influential in
the way people interact and
social among one another.

people keep telling me
that i shouldn't expect to
find true friends here.

i still don't entirely believe
that to be true.

i'm sure eventhough behind all those
heavy coated friendliness there's
still some sincerity in them.


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Day 95: Up-Down

Some people bring you up.
Some like to put you down.

The ones you love most can
be the ones who hurt you most.

And sometimes the ones whom you dislike,
might be the ones who you'll be surprise
that might help you most in the time of need.

Only slept 3 hours since last night.
Woke up and had to ride the motorcycle
with a colleague to work. The traffic
and pollution of an early day in Jakarta
is really horrible. I'll try my very best
to avoid it.

I rather pay the cab than risk my life.
It's really dangerous and hazardous to
one's health. My mom will definitely
flip if she knew what I'm goin through

Had fun casting the restaurant waitress
for the next commercial shoot.

Really tired now. Just got back.
12am. Shall sleep.

Luckily tomorrow's meeting is at 4pm.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Day 94: value

a creative director shared some
pointers with me today.

'you are paying me for the years
of mistakes i've made that have
gotten me where i am now.
all the ladders i've to climbed.
all the hours i've spent watching
movies and reading. you are
paying for the 'me' that's inside

sometimes people question how
do we justify how much we worth
for each job.

what he told me gave me confidence.

we are building substance everyday.
growing our worth. our value.

our thoughts count.
our experience matters.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 93: sin city.

really no idea how hard it is for
me. from reminiscing the days,
and now nothing.

how does it feel for you?
it seems easy.

how you expect me to feel, seeing
of what, another person.

what is being?
that i question everyday.
how can anyone from this changes to that,
so easily. transferring feelings to
another, merely as a click.

how do you even convince the other person?
how is the other person even to trust you
of yr sincerity? i feel stupid. for believing.
even when times was obvious. i feel even fuckin
stupid now to even dwell on this. even till today.


have my feelings gone so deep that i can never
withdraw it back. jakarta teaches me this.

it's a sin city here.

meanwhile i'm still resisting.

but the more i think about it,
how stupid i was, and how unfair it
was. so cruel. how much i've given
in, and been taken granted for,
i am the only fool in this
whole entire world that would
dwell so much.

it is not fair, but you can never
get such security anymore.

good luck, not being hurt,
cause you will. i know, cause reflecting
to me now, i realized the only
most stupidest ever human being in the
world to able to look through all
your flaws and still be what i am
now, and not embracing this city,
this sinful city.




Monday, June 13, 2011

Day 92: Not Junior.

Had an early day. Finished storyboard pretty late.
Tired. Lack of sleep. Hated the feeling of half asleep
trying to get a cab in the busy street of Jakarta.

then had casting later evening. settling everything.
making sure everything's there for tomorrow's
production meeting.

i've written down a list of do's and dont's
in my journal. every mistakes made is logged.
every scolding i get is noted.

i want to be the ultimate of what i do.

got to direct really soon.

age is kicking in.

not a junior anymore.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Day 91: Start..

Woke up, had to work.
Still no chance to find a local church.

Storyboard and assist directing.
Am taking 2 roles now.
Money is good.
Just gotto find ways to pay
rent and my credit card bills.

I always thought that I would never
have credit card.


Starting not to care so much
anymore about things.

No point dwelling on things I can't

Called mom today. Missed her.

I've never been away. Never left
home for college or anything.
This is the first time living
on my own. i'm a late bloomer.
at the age of 30, I'm only begun
to learn independently.

every day i feel like i'm growing.

i'm thankful that at least i've
a purpose to strive.

a dream to achieve.


Saturday, June 11, 2011

Day 90: Progress

Progress is good so far.
I've made friends with the local.
Producers, art directors, production houses.
People know me now. But at least to judge
whether am i good or not.

I'm trying my best everyday.
To be good.
To let go my past.
My life in KL.

They say why am I so stupid,
still doing things for the one
who have betrayed me.
I've not many years to come
to realization to the fact
that the ones who abandon and
have hurt me.

Why am I so stupid?
I live in a world of romance.
I believe.

But am I wrong?
The person who have wronged me,
have truly wronged me.
And have no excuse for that.

Using hate is easier to let go.

Should I have let go now?
It's been half a year.

Should I hate, in able to forget,
and stop giving excuses?

Have I given enough to realize
that it wasn't my fault?

Why do I blame myself?

Why do I hold on to the memory?


It is not fair.

I wasn't wrong, yet I'm the one who suffer.

Yet the one who is wrong, prosper in life.

Is this reality?

Is this life?

I should make myself cold,

and lay low on the alcohol.



Friday, June 10, 2011

Day 89: Listening.

went for telecine today for the commercial
that we just shot. nice place. ordered
roast duck. love the local roast duck.
very different from the ones i had in KL.

telecine for lipstick commercial is
interesting. had to match back the colors
of the product precisely.

after telecine had a talk with a local
friend sharing with me the ways of

Jakarta is a very vibrant place.
there are some certain techniques
of getting along well with the flow
of the city. sociology issues.
turning on and off the joking side.
nothing's permanent or one-sided.

you must have two characters that
somehow makes that your character.
and you must be flexible in
changing them whenever.

it's really complicated.

he told me it took him 4 years atleast
to learn and be one now.

i wonder how long or will i ever
turn into one.


Thursday, June 09, 2011

Day 88: Worth it.

Wrapped at 4am. Body pushed for atleast
24 hours without sleep. Mid way through
was feeling really drain-out, then took
a dose of caffeine. boosted me up.

Was ok the shoot. Made less mistakes
compared to the last shoot. Phew..

Guess the more you do, you pick-up
new lessons through the mistakes you
make, the better you get.

My aim everyday is not to make anymore
mistakes. Even in life. Relationship.
I've become more extra careful
and cautious since the last.

Long time ago, my first producer told
me that 'paranoia is your greatest weapon.'

Been over protective of yrself is good.

Nobody likes to get hurt.

Everybody wants to win.

Hate assholes that hurt you just so
they won't.

But I guess the ones who get hurt
also benefits.

Win-win I guess.


Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Day 87: Mistakes

Day 1 of shoot.
My first facial product commercial shoot.
admire how the talents can redo all
the takes of washing their face over and
over again.

Fun shoot today. Eventhough I made 2 mistakes.
Didn't check the conti of the talent properly.
And didn't test one of the product shot
before shoot.

But overall was ok. Came back home tired.
Cooked some mee. And gonna watch some
documentary to doze myself to sleep.
Till tomorrow, day 2 of shoot.


Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Day 86: Running and no thinking

Woke up. Did my run. Tried again
to reroute to make sure i completely
miss the polluted car traffic.

rain. had to stop at a gas station.
had my lunch there. bought a crappy
burger. rain stopped a little.
i continued my run. suddenly it rained
again, I ran to a random house.
very modern nice architecture.
interesting, even had an automatic
sliding glass door. went in.
nobody. just saw alot of paintings
in locked glass room. strange,
this place has no signage at all.
walked out, with my horrible bahasa
indonesia i asked the guard what
place is this. he told me that it
was a private property. then i mentioned
bout the paintings i saw, he replied
like he just remembered that this place
gonna be a gallery soon. nice. 2 galleries
near to the place i live.

hmm, maybe i'm meant to stop art and work
in commercial production just so i can
afford to buy art. :D

got to sleep early today.
tomorrow shoot.


Monday, June 06, 2011

Day 85: Found it.

Woke up at 4am. Had cereal and watched
another episode of The Wire. Then went
back to sleep.

Woke up again at 10am. Went for my run.
I finally found a running route that is
free from Jakarta's pollution.

Pretty nice. The rich people area.
Houses were huge. Roads were clean
and filled with plants.

Don't ever think in million years
I'll able to afford houses like these.
Not as a film director at least.
Maybe as a real estate agent like my
father, maybe still stand a chance.

As I grow older, I feel the artist
in me slowly detaches. Like all I'm
seeking for now is wealth.

The love of making art?

Haven't felt that for months.
Since I left KL. Since new year.


Sunday, June 05, 2011

Day 84: Back..

The artist that signed up for this month
is nowhere to be found. So I'm back here

I've been blogging daily, counting down
the days till I start directing here in

Day 84. If yr interested you can read
older post here.

Today went to work. Final wardrobe
fitting for the cosmetic shoot.
My first presentation in a pre production
meeting as an assistant director in Jakarta.
Tried to speak in Bahasa Indonesia at first
but my Bahasa Malaysia just automatically
comes back in. Eventhough the both language
is almost similar, the structure and some
words representation is really different
that makes it hard for someone who already
knows either one of the language to adapt
the other.

Came back home. One of the main roads were
blocked for some festival-flea market.
So I went. Bought some local food, walked
home. Tried to resist walking into the bar,
eventually did. Had 2 Guinness.

I knew it was a bad idea to stay across
a bar.


Saturday, June 04, 2011

Day 83: Careful

i like how my body wakes up
automatically at 830am. no matter
how late i sleep, my body just
jump start itself. no matter
how hard i forces myself to sleep,
my body still refuses to.

so i took a run.
bought mie ayam along the way.
bloody tasty and cheap.
bought some snacks in a supermarket.

went home, had my shower, prepared
a movie, then ate like crazy.

2pm. nap.

4pm. woke up, watch another movie,
then took a swim. hungry again.
walked down the street to try
this arty restaurant.

browse their book collection.
found 2 books that i'm interested in.
shall bookmark them and return again
next time to finish them. nice interior,
and reasonably priced food. don't
mind coming back again.
had an awesome dessert that serves
vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate
fudge in 2 separate bowls.
makes me think of special friend,
whom i know will definitely fight
with me to finish them. :)

at that moment, i felt the gladness
of being alone, yet a little sad.
like the idea of being free,
yet maybe a companion to share food
and some conversation would do good.

come to think of it, i've spent
an entire day like this haven't
spoken to anyone.



Friday, June 03, 2011

Day 82: Chill out

Woke up, did my run.
Bought lunch along the way.
Came back home and watched
a movie over lunch. Good
food, street food, rice
with fish and vegetables.

Took a short nap.
Woke up, had some cereal.
Cooked noodles. Watched another

Tune into BBC news. World's
pretty messed up with all
the plagues and wars.
Gets quite depressing.
But you got to be in the knowing,
I guess. Sometimes the stupid
ones are the happy ones.

Late evening, got called from friends
to meet up at the pub across the street
of the place I'm living. It's always
been like my dream to live across a bar.

It's great to go to a bar where
everybody knows your name.
Had my usual Guinness fixed.
Had spaghetti. And more Guinness.
Walked home semi-drunk. Showered.

Watch another movie as I dozed off.



Thursday, June 02, 2011

Day 81: Bloody big

Woke up early, even though had a hangover.
work out a little, had cereal, then
ran to friend's house. took a cab to
a mall. pretty far, bout 1 hour drive.

bought a MKV player that could play
mostly everything. my companion when
i'm in my room.

just tested it out. works perfectly.
watched my first movie in my new
room. Barney's Version. pretty good.
a little sad, but was really good.
favorite scene was:

Guy: Have I ever given up when it comes to you?
Girl: Never
Guy: So what makes you think I'm gonna start now?

had some beer with uncle.
he shared more advise to me
of surviving Jakarta.

it's really tough.


Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Day 80: Beatles

i wonder why my nails grow so fast

had some beers at a bar infront
of the place i live, one of the
reason i moved here.

a 3-piece accoustic band was covering
Beatles all night long. bloody fantastic.
thank God for Beatles.

was talking to a friend that he said 2 years
ago, all the production people were partying
like crazy. these days, mostly are married
and have settled down.

that ought to make me think that i'm a 30-year
old who still likes to party. a cab driver
asked me once, why aren't i married?

is it fixed that a person who reaches 30 have
to get married and settle down? i see most
people get divorce at mid 30s. and some desperately
who are still in a marriage desperately wants
to get out.

is there a subconscious psychology setback
that i am still what i am?

is there a point?