ohh.. yesterday....

yesterday.

ohh, yesterday.

what a day...

one of those days, everything swarms to you.
not like flies, but like, shooting stars, except
it doesn't pierce through my chest living
a permanent hole through it.

more like a blessing.

artist friend called, saying there was a
potential buyer for my paintings. a few of them.
was pretty excited. someone in this world actually
likes my depressive wannabe-artist painting. yeah!

maybe have him to write here; why.

i like to list out the ones i sold, but too lazy
pointing out, like anyone actually cares, rite?
but anyway, there was this specific one that
he wanted and he offered a pretty high price
for it too. but i couldn't put my heart into
selling it. the idea of selling it, feels like
cutting a piece of me away, and I guess he
could see that as well. a crisis. which i still
stupidly-uncontrollable-clinging on.
that painting felt like a mark of i and her.
selling away, felt, painful. artist friend
stress on selling it, a signage of letting go.

no. like some other paintings. you'll feel
a sort of sadness letting them go. selling
them. like selling yrself. like a prostitute.
maybe i'm being a bit over-emo here. but, hey,
its all sweat and feelings in them, 'cuse me.

but if you really think about it, painting actually
feels abit like whoring. like giving services to yr customers.
you are selling your honest feeling and skillmanship
to people.

pne advise to all artist, everytime you start yr
work, keep telling yrself, "this is goin to be taken
away from you. this is goin to be somebody
else’s wall!" that sort of minus the full potential
of the painting does it? but yet, it saves you at
the last moment of selling them. less painful.
a little similar to our human relationships, huh?

well, i did not sell that particular painting anyway.

i sold the rest. not like it was less attachment to
the rest, you know. it fuckin hurts too. i need the
money anyway. gonna use them to print my book.

that very day, i receive an email asking me to be
an assistant director for a Singapore feature.
exciting as hell. email them back, told them,
i needed the exact dates, because i'll be directing
a music video in mid-march. yep, you heard me
right, my first directorial-debut! a malay rock band!
yeah!

another email, asking me bout 30day artist originator.
wanted an interview or something, i think. anyway,
who is the originator? let's see... i've been telling
this story over and over again. ok, here goes,
i quit my job, used all my savings for 40 canvas, rented
a small room and painted the canvas in 30 days, artist
friend, suggested documenting it via blog. and alas,
30dayartist is born! so, you can say, i and my artist
friend is the originator! but he owns it now, i sold
my shares to him last month, due to my personal
financial bankruptcy. *sob* so.. he literally owns
me now. his having all my paintings as hostages
anyway. once in awhile he would call me and update
me on the tortures-result of my painting. *sob*

it feels good writing via blog again. this reminds
me the greatness of writing with a mind-set of
the entire world reading it. hmm, maybe an
artistcrisis.blogspot comeback? just maybe..

when i've nothing left to hide.

maybe.

till then.

-chinyew