dark long road.

i took a wrong turn in the highway.
i ended up in a dark-long-road.
endless. there wasn't a u-turn to be found.

i panic. angry. scared. really scared.
never been so scared.
afraid that i might end up somewhere far.

all way through, i wasn hoping for a u-turn.
it felt like death.
i felt alone.

i drove slowly.
i never felt so alone ever before.
so dark. so long.
my phone bat was almost dying.
i've been lost before.
but never with my phone dead.

i get paranoid easily.

insecure?

maybe.

i drove. and i drove.
35km.

that's far.
i cursed upon myself for
taking a wrong turn.

welcome to Malaysia highway.
not sure 'bout other country's highway,
but once you make a wrong road,
it'll take you forever to get back to
where you begin.

i paid a RM5 toll.
i cursed again.

drove almost an hour.
realized i was heading for Genting Highlands.
i never went up to the cold mountain
alone before.
never.

dark road. large trucks drove pass me.
curvy-hill turns.

paranoia of imagination.
earlier in the morning, mom reminded
me to change the tires.
thank God i had petrol.
no petrol. phone dead.
not a nice imagination.

i tried focusing on the road.
still keep tracking of a u-turn.
doesn't look like one is gonna turn up
anytime soon.

dark. really dark.

radio was my only friend.
but my car radio antenna is a little fucked.
radio waves noise. cross radio stations.

a deejay was listening to a love problem
from a young female caller.
the caller was still deeply inlove with
her ex, who has fallen for another.
the deejay was irritated by the caller's
persistent of wanting the ex back.

he hangs up.

i agreed with him.

i was the caller once.

awhile later, the road split into 2.
i made my decision.
alas, a u-turn.
i quickly turn.
and i was glad to see a road sign
infront of me that says
"Kuala Lumpur - 35km"

yeah!

found the toll.
paid another RM5.

i was glad to be back on track.
a little too glad.
a little too overwhelm with my accomplishment.

suddenly many cars was ahead.
it's 12am.

it was a roadblock.

i panic again.

the queue was long.
3 lane of cars struggled into 1.
passing policemen that waves rhythmically.

my heart beated faster and harder
as i approaches the block.

i tried to stay calm.

my turn,

....................

i'm saved!

this lesson hits me.

i jotted down this few points largely in my moleskine.

1. be humble all time.

2. keep my voice low.

3. trust no one.

4. don't lie.

i'll have to remind myself this everyday.

every fuckin day.

- chinyew

May (black-sheep-like-clouds)?

Clouds foam-in.
I saw black-sheep-like-clouds.
(damn, hands getting numb on the
keyboard. guess, i've been writing too
much on you-know-what. it feels lame saying
it sometimes really. don't get me wrong, i love
those damn-black-notebooks. it's just that
i feel like its too cliché. but anyway-)
hmm..black-sheep-like-clouds.
(ponders)
but-anyway, it feels like it you know,
the month of May?

Answers.com says this:

May (mā)
n.

1. The fifth month of the year in the Gregorian calendar.
2. The springtime of life; youth.
3. The celebration of May Day.

May Day; Labor day. celebrated worldwide.
i was workin though.
don't get me wrong, i love my job.

so, here's the point:

eventhough i was workin, i loved my job.
so, no sweat.

"black-sheep-like-clouds."

have i said that before?

or this is the first time.

i'm losing my memories.

no, literally. i CAN remember certain things
that i choosed too, but in no power of remembering
some early-present fragments of activities or
to-be-specific; visuals in my brain.
now, it's flying faster into space.
blank.
faster and faster, the process,
each time.

anyway, back to point of this.

the premise.

"MAY"

the month of MAY.

from the word "may";

may¹ (mā)
aux.v., Past tense might (mīt).

1. To be allowed or permitted to: May I take a swim? Yes, you may.
2. Used to indicate a certain measure of likelihood or possibility: It may rain this afternoon.
3. Used to express a desire or fervent wish: Long may he live!
4. Used to express contingency, purpose, or result in clauses introduced by that or so that: expressing ideas so that the average person may understand.
5. To be obliged; must. Used in statutes, deeds, and other legal documents. See Usage Note at can¹.

that's a good word. i swear you'll find
this blessing word in the bible casually.

some of the ones i cared for are suffering,
some are experiencing growth in life,
some are making changes.
good. bad. try. fail.

i talked to the security executive
(he doesn't fancy people calling him security guard)
earlier this morning.
(Sunday. i love my job.)
he told me that he was suffering.
debts from the bank.
his aged. probably 60-70.

he showed me the bible.
he flipped through pages.
showed me a verse.
can't remember what it
was. but it sounded angry.
in life, and asking God for mercy
and to save him quickly.
complained to God, that how
evil these other people are,
his so-called-enemies.
i remind you, the verse sounded angry.

i pitied him somehow.
an aging man, complaining how much
he hated his life, that he had to work on a
Sunday because of money problems t0 help
his daughter.

i thought i could almost feel his tiredness in life.

tiredness in life.

heh.

isn't that a sad premise?

but anyway, i told him a couple of
cool Christian story i remembered
reading them years ago of some
forwarded-emails.
(power of technology, don't get me started--)

it relief him.

he smile and thank me, shake my hand,
his eyes were wet.

i told him no problem.
i ended to him my final understanding
of "Father, why have you forsaken me?"
theory. (hey, God gave everyone a fair
choice of interpretation. who are to
said that this is right and this is wrong?
God is fair. God gave everyone a choice.)

interpretation. from the word "inter"?

inter of our mind? an experience only
by one single entity-individually?

the man felt lighter suddenly.

i was thankful.

heh, its a Sunday afterall.

Hallelujah!

btw, yeah, May.

some good some bad.

i'm not saying that i'm great of a person.

i just told him what i felt he needs to hear.

to be at peace.

(been reading Buddhism books.)

that despises how tied up you are to the
heavy burdens in life of sufferings,
the outer-psychical world;
material is within our capability of changing,
but instead, the inner-spirituality of our minds
can easily be morphed into the
peace of mind-states.

all you need is ideas.

and everyone have different needs in ideas.

like movies.

genres.

storylines.

concepts.

i love stories.

stories are controversial.
stories IS controversial.

nothing is right.
and nothing is wrong.

have peace everyone.

i took today's synchro as a reminder
to start saving my money,
and less spending them on the materials of the world,
that ties you up in the ball and chain,
created by the corporations of this world,
for you to succumbs in the craving for more
luxurious world created fakely of needs by the
corporation itself. and the ironic of things,
you work for them. ha. ball and chain.
the even irony that May Day(1st May) is
celebrated internationally in most countries
as a "Labor Day".

ALL workers get a break. isn't that cool?

a reminder, my writings are not poems.

this could go on forever again.

will stop soon.

closing with this,

i wish everyone have a blessful and peaceful
of sunny-sunshine and romantic-nights of
the wondrous month of
May.

-chinyew

p/s: a special prize to the first to point out
my old posts, that infact i did actually typed before of
"black-sheep-like-clouds" or maybe
something close like that.

a signed illustration as the Grand prize?

ok, its official.

spread the word.

sigh.