paranoia-disable-humanbeing in a shell.

a friend once sang to me in
a car on a moonlighting night,

"with enough cold heart,
i cast myself outside."

a few months later,
i and her lost in touch.

everytime i hear that song,
it reminds me of her,
and i would understand,
how she felt,
then.

these days, i find it hard
to fall inside the game all over again.
i can't seem to be myself.
and i can't seem to show myself.

its like a shell.
which i can't break outside.
and yet, i also didn't want to.

it's a shell that i've build these 2 years.

its a strong shell.

its a very protective shell.

i randomly seen other people.
some really great people.
but my shell was too strong.
i stepped back many times.
i let things get dry.

and i became dry.

then, i met someone when i least
expect so.

funny, you'll only know how deep
the cut and scar is when you meet
this someone new again and you still
hear voices telling you, no.

i'm sad for myself today that
i suffer paranoia of people
around me.

and sometimes, i even
scare them off. before, i'm able
to show my true potential to them,
they have already fled of my extreme
cautious-self.

i do understand the back-end psychology
explanation of my problem, but,
its a kind of disease that i have
no strength/will to overcome/cure.

and every single time my friends advise me
of my paranoia,
i feel like a disable humanbeing
of not capable of doing anything about it.

i'm not trying to self-pity myself,
neither make anyone to feel sad for me.

i just don't want my chance to go
away again.

its never great to feel like a disable.

-chinyew

26th Sept 2006

Get your ego out of the way --
give it a mighty push if you have to.
Real love isn't about what the other
person can bring to your life --
it's about the sense of intrinsic
connection that goes beyond surfaces.

if/is

the if/is formula/theory.

i remembered, 2 years back.
i was actually sitting
in front of this very
computer, typing in the
yahoo search engine field,

"how do you forget your ex?"

and i would spend hours
reading the free-help-forums
out there.

i even found a few couple
of good porn sites with that
search field i typed. heh.

but seriously, back then,
there wasn't really any real-help
in the internet. all the advises
was very "western", if
you all know what i mean.

there wasn't any real-effective
solutions there. especially for
an extremely old-fashioned-sensitive
asian boy.

and i believe,
there are people out there at
this very moment, are still lookin
for help, in the internet.

and i guess, this is why i'm here.
and i guess, this is why we are all here now.
and how you have typed that very
same search-field and somehow leads you
here.

you. me. we.

we all need help.

and we want to help.

its natural right?

simple logic.

______________


"how do you forget your ex."

or simply,

how do you forget someone.

with the "if/is formula/theory!

how it works?

simple.

sit down, boys and girls,
and i'll guide all of you.

first,
think of that person.
then, try and recall the feeling when
you were in a class.
back when we were all younger-simpler-happier.
imagine a school-green board
next to him/her.
now, zoom in to the board.

now, imagine the board is
written-divided into
2 columns, with a straight
chalk-line in between of the whole board.

the left column written, "if".

the other column, "is".

state the "ifs" scenario
of you and that person,
that will please you.


example:

she loves me.

he will come back to me again.

we will be together again.

*state as many as you can.

then, on the "is",
state the real-current scenario
of you and that person.
the honest-true-negative/positive
scenario of you and that person.
or maybe, more effectively,
state down the negative things
the person say/do/notdoing things
to you.

example:

she flew away without even saying goodbye.

his not replying me eventhough
i've shown obvious-signs that i love him.

we have only spoken 1 word for many years now.

*state as many as you can.

step back from the board.
close your eyes and breath.
inhale. exhale.

slowly open your eyes.
look at the board wholly.
do not allow your eyes
to focus either one of the
columns. look at whole
board as a single entity.
look at the white-chalk
writings as a whole.

when you successful doing
that. slowly focus
on the "is" column.
read through all the sentences
that you wrote.
accept it. then feel it.
its ok, if you have to
close your eyes doin it.

its hard. but its the truth.
breath. when you feel
more comfortable and able
to read through the sentences
smoothly, slowly move your
focus to the "ifs" column.

read through them.

funny, huh?

that's how funny we humans are.

i believe everyone of you
will know what to do now.

godspeed.

-chinyew

p/s:if you find this post is a load
of crap, i'm deeply sorry that i've wasted
your last 5 minutes which seems
to be forever.

or maybe you find this useful
and brilliantly written,
pls do go to our main website
and click on the paypal button
heartfully.

thank you.

ideas for sale! but we'll give them free first!

its been awhile since my last post.

lots of thoughts and ideas running
in my head. every single new one i
have, i told myself, that it can wait.
it'll still be in my head anyway, i thought.

next, day.

gone.

_______

but, not this one. now.
i had to write about this.

2am. heard my mom laughing
in her room since, maybe 9.30pm?

i never heard her laugh that crazily
for a very long time.

as usual, i was havin a daily routine
of preparing myself
a bottle of water that would last me the
entire night while drowning myself on my
collections of dvds.
and imagine how surprised i was, 2am,
as i walk pass her room,
i heard her laughed.

then, i was in my room.
as i close my room
door, i heard her laughed again.
and this time, i'm talkin about
a 2 closed-room-door with a 50 meter gapped-away.
and if i'm not mistaken, my dvd was
still playin at that time.
on a moderate volume of course.

______________

but anyway,

i heard her laugh.

curious.
but i knew what she was doin.
she was probably watchin a new
HK chinese series my sister
downloaded from the internet.

i was thinkin, this show must be
really good. i used to have an addiction
for these HK series. so heavily-addicted,
i think somehow it inflicted some negative-incidents
in my life that resulted where i am now.
thinkin that it was the core of my strucken-fate,
i decide not to watch these
addictive HK series ever again.

and so, i knock the door,
walk in, saw my mom and sis
laying on the bed, tuck-in
comfortly in their bedsheets,
while watching, indeed a HK series,
on my sis's laptop. my mom was still
laughin then. i can't help laughin even
not knowin what she was laughing about.
i really haven't heard her
laughing so happily for a very long
time.

and i was happy.

i reminded my sis to leave
the HK series a copy behind.
she nods.
it'll be another year till i'll
see her again.

you see, ladies and gentleman,
this is why i want to tell stories.
it doesn't matter if its in the format of
films, musics, comics or paintings.
all i want to, and will ever only do,
is to tell stories.
stories to thank people.
stories to tell/realize people why
that we should thank them.

to thank my sis and the HK series
production people.

with my deepest-heart-of-thankfulness
and great respect,

i bow/salute to you all.

(japan style.)

heh.

______________

if you find this post is a load
of crap, i'm deeply sorry that i've wasted
your last 5 minutes which seems
to be forever.

or maybe you find this useful
and brilliantly written,
pls do not hesitate to vist our main website
and click on the paypal button heartfully.

sadly, in the real world,
we need money in able for
an idea to grow bigger.

companies need money.
families need money.

and also sadly, it takes
a very hard-long-poor road
in able for an artist to
be successful.

and to make this even more
sad, in this realworld,
when you are workin on
a job which you don't like
but pays well, your art
ambition will slowly-quietly,
fade away.

and as i said,
in this real world that we're living today,
requires money.
a company needs money,
a family needs money.

an idea also needs,

money.

and we're riskin being poor
now by doing something
which we really like,

art.

but again, i repeat,
ideas need money.

and therefore we are
asking for your kind
donations on fueling
a dream.

what dream, you say?

www.30dayartist.com

a me and you dream.
a dream of creating the
free-happy-world where
everyone gets to decide
what they really want to do
in life.

the utopia.

a no-financial-tied world.

in the end of the day,
deep down the pits of our
evil-greedy-heart, our soul
just want to be happy, rite?

sigh.

so please gamble on us
on fulfilling that dream, yah?

or not, just go support some any-other
artist will ya, you Scrooge?!?

and i don't believe
"donation" is a sensitive word either.
honestly, i don't even find
that begging is a disgraceful
action.

even sihardta gautama practice
begging before receiving Buddha.

and trust me, when you had
reached to a level of begging,
you definitely will learn.

alot.

and so,

there you go.

donate.

:)

truly-humbly,

-chinyew

Introduction for the next 30dayartist

Hey, guys, check out the
next 30dayartist!




this is one of my earliest demo.
dating like 6 years back.
with noisy-ambience,
lo-fi recording, out of tuned-piano,
you know, the kind of improvisation
art-farty music kind of thing.

some friends would ask for
a listen first, then only
decide whether they want to
buy. some even had the skeptic
look after seeing the
lazily-like-doodle-cover and say,
"wah, what type of music, huh?
give me free lar."
i literally had to beg friends
to just check it out and ask for
comments.

i showed Ming and he goes,
"the design looks good."
he paid me and bought a copy.

he even ended up using the
design for his namecard then.

his attitude of believing in
talents. not only his own
but other people aswell is something
which many of us rarely have these days,
due to the greedy-competitive world
out there.

that is his gift to everyone.
a coach of life.

if it wasn't for this guy,
i would still be a skeptic
of my own ability.

his the one who encourage
me to "just do it and write"
attitude when i compared myself
to good writers/artists out there.

there are just too many
good/talented people out
there for you to even start comparing,
so why not just start and express
yrself freely? today!

i read once in Deepak Chopra’s
book stating something like,
the past are history for us to learn,
the future is a mystery to us,
the present is a gift to us,
that is why its call “present.”

this i very much learn from him,
cause he was the one who pass me
my very first Deepak Chopra’s book.

back when i just started blogging,
i only had round 15 hits.
and he would call me and tell me,
"good stuff. 15 hits, man!"

his sincere enthusiasm and
hype for other people,
would get you believing
in yrself even more
and strive even further.

sometimes i would still be a negative-prune
and lay out my negatives cards towards him,
and he would take it, analyze it,
and come back with even more
positiveness to get you all hyped up
all over again.

this guy just won't giveup
if he really believes in something.

its not an issue of whether you
are good or not. its the matter
of wanting to do it and believing
that you can.

the result is the bonus.
the journey is "THE" experience.

the world is turnin too much into
a lonely piece of land with many
single entity striving to survive.
if survival's the case, isn't it
better if we try to survive it
together?

then, maybe life wouldn't be so much
of a survival, but, a revival.

all we need are just encouragement
from one another. a connection.
a rainbow connection.

and then just maybe, there is still
hope in this world. and hope is
something very scary to lose.

how hard can it be just to
tell someone that you feel that
they are decently good, good?

i think i've stressed this out
last year before,
everybody needs atleast an artist friend.

someone to push you.
someone to tell you to "just do it."
someone who is an artist themselves
that would understand another artist's
feelings, passion, crisis, and beliefs.

but you will never have that kind
of friend, if you don't start believing
in other people's talent rather than
yourself only.

back in the Socrates days,
artist/philosopher would gather
around the town center and
debate/discuss about life with
an open-mind. a circle-connection
of thoughts would be bond.

we need more open-minded artist today!
or people for that matter.
who doesn't feel jealous
of one another.
who doesn't holdback or
keep silence of appraisals.

we need to create that connection
again.

if it wasn't for him,
www.30dayartist.com
wouldn't have exist.
wasn't for him i would
have sway all the way to
the dark side and never return.
(well, sometimes i still do.
i'm confused of the white and
black differences.)

he once asked me,
"what is 30dayartist is about again?"

i answered bluntly, "life. death. believe. and hope."

i shall rephrase that again, today, here,

"30dayartist is the result of his strong
believes in other people."

we are commonly taught in life
to believe in ourselves,
but today, lets enhance that and
start believin in other people aswell.

we all need more artist friends
like Ming.

and he too need friends.

encouraging friends.

when i say friends, i mean
everyone.

encouragements are fuel to soul.

don't hold up yr praises and comments.

let them come.

matters not if its positive
or negative. this boy can take it.

look, how hard can it be?
if you feel that its good,
just click "comment".
type "good." click. and,
voila!

may our bond began today.

over to you now, ming.

have fun.

-chinyew

p/s:sorry for the long intro.