a friend once sang to me in
a car on a moonlighting night,
"with enough cold heart,
i cast myself outside."
a few months later,
i and her lost in touch.
everytime i hear that song,
it reminds me of her,
and i would understand,
how she felt,
then.
these days, i find it hard
to fall inside the game all over again.
i can't seem to be myself.
and i can't seem to show myself.
its like a shell.
which i can't break outside.
and yet, i also didn't want to.
it's a shell that i've build these 2 years.
its a strong shell.
its a very protective shell.
i randomly seen other people.
some really great people.
but my shell was too strong.
i stepped back many times.
i let things get dry.
and i became dry.
then, i met someone when i least
expect so.
funny, you'll only know how deep
the cut and scar is when you meet
this someone new again and you still
hear voices telling you, no.
i'm sad for myself today that
i suffer paranoia of people
around me.
and sometimes, i even
scare them off. before, i'm able
to show my true potential to them,
they have already fled of my extreme
cautious-self.
i do understand the back-end psychology
explanation of my problem, but,
its a kind of disease that i have
no strength/will to overcome/cure.
and every single time my friends advise me
of my paranoia,
i feel like a disable humanbeing
of not capable of doing anything about it.
i'm not trying to self-pity myself,
neither make anyone to feel sad for me.
i just don't want my chance to go
away again.
its never great to feel like a disable.
-chinyew
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5 comments:
I understand how you feel, because I went through something similar a few years ago. Thankfully, I met someone along the way who helped me to get over the hurt and pain, and I slowly learned to open myself up to people again. Every now and then, though, I stll revert and crawl back into my shell, but every time I do I force myself to get out of it, because I realized how self-destructive it was in the end - and I don't want to live my life like that anymore.
Btw, congrats on being featured in The Star :)
keep an open mind. Lose your shell. Love will come to you when the time is right. Believe in fate. It does its job pretty well. I've been through numerous times of heartaches, there was once I refuse food....not fun. i lost all of it, dig deep into my soul and be myself again. Believe me, you will shine with integrity and character....most of all, u'll be happier and fate will reward you well. My best wishes to you.
ur words really hit me.bout bein in the shell,bout becoming dry and step back.its difficult to break the shell n open up to others.the worst part i guess is u keep shielding up urself from the things u x even know.
congrats in completing ur 30 days artbook.lurve it!!
if its on sale,i'll definitely buy it.all the best :)
To all, When this hits hard there are so many people that dont know how to let the light in. just always remember that you are the one that is special, because you see and feel what people can do and that well protect you. but just dont let yourself to fall in that hole when you cant climb out. Love is always in your heart that is where you will find it first. peace to all..
Angel:)
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