Day 109: Nothingness

Woke up 8am.
Had my run, and then swim.

Made breakfast. Toast and cereal.

Went to post house. While waiting
for director, I read. About
the film camera. Tough stuff.
Feels like studying for school
again.

Came back home. Bought more
bread. Made dinner. Macaroni.

Watched a movie.

At the balcony. Looking out.
Skyscrapers. Breath.

Hate the air.

Shower.

Sleep.

-chinyew

Day 108: bye bye WHN9190

My car in Malaysia was sold today.

That marks goodbye to the car that
have been with me for more than 10 years.
Since I was in college. Since I had
my first girlfriend. And also my last.

Drove that car to many places.
Friends, girls, families, colleagues.

Sentimental person; i find it very
hard to say goodbyes.

Seeing things go.

Luckily I'm not back home to see
it been driven away.

Not once my car for that 10 years
gave me any serious problem or
thinned my wallet rapidly.

work was okay today.
presented to client the final cut.
she was pretty satisfied with it.

ran in the morning. bout 5km.
came back, then swam.

body should be really exhausted now.

shall sleep.

-chinyew

Day 107: Amazing popping Part 2

Continuation from yesterday,

as we wrapped, the client
walked up to me and shake
my hand and said,

"well, it was great working
with a Martell Rising Personality."

i froze a moment.

it felt weird hearing something
from another part of my world
popping here in Jakarta.

it was like a sudden water splash
into my face and waking up
from a dream.

for a short moment, 2 consciousness
exist; my artist self back in KL
and an assistant director in Jakarta.

never once since my escapade here in Jakarta,
i ever experience both of this 2 worlds
as one.

apparently the client was one
of the judges for the award back in KL.

that very moment, the director walked pass
and heard the conversation and joined us.
then another agency guy.

it was crazy. suddenly from an assistant
director that runs up and down,
i suddenly became the artist i once was.

felt a little ashamed that the judge
was there to see me like this now.

the director asked the client what
that award was about, and he replied
that it was an award to people who
have strive in their industry.

looked how much i've strive now.

as i slept last night, sequences of scenes
what inflicted me to come to Jakarta, came
flashing back.

i keep hearing voices people telling
me how talented i was, how successful
i was, yet they are not willing to
pay me the proper fees. kept telling
me 'not for this one, maybe the next one,
let's just do this one first, k?'

thanks, but no thanks.

-chinyew

Day 106: Amazing popping Part 1

a good day.

woke up, and was late a little
for my call time.

came back home last night,
and instantly crash into
sleep.

shoot went fine. had the chance
to direct the actors again.

was pretty good.

had fun with the crew too.

i was working great with the
actors.

i learned from the last producer
i worked with, treat my actors
right and it'll benefit my future.

i used to treat extras or even
the actors very mean. abused them
like my tool. having the director
ego thinking that i'm better than
them, and i own them.

i was wrong.

aDing the actors today in a very
nice manner, i realized i really
enjoyed working with them.
and they too. even got them to
perform really well.

stressing them out just only
pisses yrself off and causes
them to feel nervous and deducts
their performances.

being friendly helps alot.

for me it's not so much about
the money. it's more about getting
yr own worth.

i'm very sensitive of the subject
of being manipulated and exploited.

will share more of today's experience
tomorrow.

tired. need sleep.

-chinyew

Day 105: More pizzas...

Another day of shoot of pizzas.
only had bout 2 hours sleep.
bloody tired.

5am on locations.

just wrapped at 11pm.

only got bout another 6 hours
more to sleep till tomorrow.

hungry.

don't feel like eating anymore
instant noodle.

wished i had more food stored
at home.

but what is there to eat for
a single bachelor?

shall force myself to sleep.

now.

-chinyew

Day 104: Shopping and movie

After telecine, i went to a mall.
bought some stuff; running pants,
goggles, socks, pens, envelopes
and almost bought another pair
of shoes. shoes in jakarta is pretty
cheap. no idea why.

had dinner, then watched a movie.
sucked.

came back home.

not sleepy.

it's bloody 2.30am.

call time tomorrow 5.40am.

fuck.

-chinyew

Day 103: Goin well.

2nd day of shoot.
Great success today.
Didn't get any scolding
from the director.

All went well.

Even had the chance to
shoot and direct a
workshop for the next shoot.

Yep, that's how crazy the workflow
here in Jakarta. While shooting one,
we're preparing at location for
the next one.

Presented the talents that I shot
to the director. He liked it and
told me to presented it the same
to the clients. I froze a moment.
And he looked at me sharply,
'Yeah, I want you to do it.'
Was happy and scared at the same
time. Imagine someone who is in
the highest level of the chain,
hands down an important task
to you.

almost felt like the king
knighting you.

i presented the talents to the client
and agency. it all seemed okay.
was abit nervous so I guess i didn't
performed my fullest like i usually
do back when i was directing television.

it's always fear that withholds
the confidence.

and confidence determines the quality
of performances.

eliminate fear.

and start thinking like a director.

-chinyew

Day 102: More pizza shoot

Early day. 5 am.
Shoot. Pizza commercial again.
It's my 3rd. Starting to get
used to food commercial.

had a long talk with the
director of photography.
learned so much from him.

so sick and tired of eating pizzas.

came back home, tired, and shall
sleep.

tomorrow day 2 of shoot. 5 am.
less than 4 hours to sleep.

goodnight.

-chinyew

Day 100 & 101

Missed 1 day of post.
Will explain why.

One day you get discouraged,
next day you get encouraged.

we're all very dependent beings.

praises, works. and insults, hurts.

the highlight of the day
was on the way back home
from the post house.

shared a cab with the director.

he gave me advise of stepping up.

encouraged me to be careful of blending
myself with the rest of the pack.

i've to stand out from the pack.

i've to be aware of everything.

i've to know of everything.

i've to have the answers.

cause it's the very key moment when
the agency throws you a question,
and you providing them the right answer,
that's when they know that they can trust you.

we're talking about a job that pays
you USD10k per day.

we're talking about project that worth
billion of dollars.

we're talking about the branding
reputation of high profile companies.

the question you really got to ask yrself,
who the fuck are you, and why should
they give you the job where thousands of
people are fighting for.

that one very chair that everybody wants
to sit.

i want to sit.

came back home and quickly pulled out
my books on film production. didn't showered,
didn't changed, just read and read till i fell
asleep.

woke up, continued reading till the cab came
and went to the audio post house.

am back now, am posting this.

shall continue my reading.

tomorrow, day 1 of a 4 day shoot.

-chinyew

Day 99: Crazy

Another crazy day at work.
get fucked by producer.

after all the craziness,
reached home. the moment
i entered my room,
i crashed myself to the bed.
room vibrates like a ripple
effect.

ahh..speaking of 'ripple',
wished i've brought my Dave Cooper's Ripple.
really love the artwork and story.
really miss art.

with all the craziness goin on here,
i tend to miss my art more.

but i've to keep telling myself.
art brings me no money,
and this, this shit, this craziness
does.

but it doesn't mean i don't fancy
what i do now. well-not exactly,
i enjoy directing, but ADing is a
whole different ball game.
even after you've moved on to
directing, you tend to slowly
forget yr ADing skill. try giving
an establish director to AD for
another director. it'll be a mess.
i'm not saying everyone, maybe some can.
i think i can. i fuckin can.
i'm just saying it requires some time
to tune yrself back.

it doesn't help with all these craziness
given. it can sometime, but it doesn't
kill to give back some encouragement
to boost back the morality.
i realized that now. being here has given
me a whole new perspective of directing.

*&*%$# just can't wait to start
fuckin directing again.

anyway, getting all this craziness,
i reflect back when i was a
director in KL, i gave the craziness
to my team. and it doesn't work
i guess. it only stresses them
out more, and deflects performances.

i keep thinking, why am I getting
fucked so often, maybe it's my karma.
have i really deteriorate since after
so long I assisted anyone? have i been
spoon-fed for too long, i forgot
how's it feel to pick up a spoon myself.

whatever it is, i'm here and i gotto
do it.

no turning back, no art. that's what
i keep telling myself everyday.

every fuckin day.

-chinyew

Day 98: Not so long ago..

a year ago at this moment,
i'm drawing my mini comics
and selling them in an
art fair.

i become a different person
whenever i'm selling my art.
i'm proud and confident.

today i'm drawing storyboard
for commercial.

so want to be in that event
now. having my own booth.
setting and decorating it up.

timing's been crazy here.
revising boards, prepping
for shoots.

something's terribly wrong
with health.

need more sleep, eat more proper food.

i've chosen this path.
it's hard to cruise through it
smoothly.

drawing the storyboard now,
i imagine how much fun the artists
are having now in KL in that art fair.

drawing the storyboard now,
i misses my artist life.

as i held my pencil i suddenly realized,
i'm fuckin here.

i'm fuckin here.

-chinyew

Day 97: steamboat

3 months just went by.

time really flies.

yet, it feels like a never ending
day. like a trip that never ends.

health is very easily deteriorate
in Jakarta. been hearing stories
of misdiagnosed by doctors.
really scary stories.

it's tragic for some who couldn't
afford to go overseas for
treatment have to suffer.

most food are fried.

morning i had fried fish paste.
lunch i had fried chicken.
dinner i had fried fish.

i witness how they cooked the food.
god knows how many times they
have reused the same oil to fried
food.

it's been awhile since i had
japanese food. the thing about
japanese food is you have to
have friends to eat it with you
in able to order alot of the
small dishes.

i miss steamboat.

i miss eating steamboat in kl.

came back home from work.
turned on chet baker.
took the longest shower.

sigh.

-chinyew

Day 96: Friends

miss my friends in KL.

a friend from KL came down
to Jakarta for work.

met up with him and had lunch,
then evening some drinks.

it was great hanging out with
an old friend. especially
so strange to walk down the streets
of Jakarta with a friend from
a different world.

hanging out with him really
made me felt the obvious
difference of socializing
in Jakarta and KL.

two different kind settings.
the economical condition plays
a very strong influential in
the way people interact and
social among one another.

people keep telling me
that i shouldn't expect to
find true friends here.

i still don't entirely believe
that to be true.

i'm sure eventhough behind all those
heavy coated friendliness there's
still some sincerity in them.

-chinyew

Day 95: Up-Down

Some people bring you up.
Some like to put you down.

The ones you love most can
be the ones who hurt you most.

And sometimes the ones whom you dislike,
might be the ones who you'll be surprise
that might help you most in the time of need.

Only slept 3 hours since last night.
Woke up and had to ride the motorcycle
with a colleague to work. The traffic
and pollution of an early day in Jakarta
is really horrible. I'll try my very best
to avoid it.

I rather pay the cab than risk my life.
It's really dangerous and hazardous to
one's health. My mom will definitely
flip if she knew what I'm goin through
here.

Had fun casting the restaurant waitress
for the next commercial shoot.

Really tired now. Just got back.
12am. Shall sleep.

Luckily tomorrow's meeting is at 4pm.

-chinyew

Day 94: value

a creative director shared some
pointers with me today.

'you are paying me for the years
of mistakes i've made that have
gotten me where i am now.
all the ladders i've to climbed.
all the hours i've spent watching
movies and reading. you are
paying for the 'me' that's inside
me.'

sometimes people question how
do we justify how much we worth
for each job.

what he told me gave me confidence.

we are building substance everyday.
growing our worth. our value.

our thoughts count.
our experience matters.

-chinyew

Day 93: sin city.

really no idea how hard it is for
me. from reminiscing the days,
and now nothing.

how does it feel for you?
it seems easy.

how you expect me to feel, seeing
of what, another person.

what is being?
that i question everyday.
how can anyone from this changes to that,
so easily. transferring feelings to
another, merely as a click.

how do you even convince the other person?
how is the other person even to trust you
of yr sincerity? i feel stupid. for believing.
even when times was obvious. i feel even fuckin
stupid now to even dwell on this. even till today.

why?

have my feelings gone so deep that i can never
withdraw it back. jakarta teaches me this.

it's a sin city here.

meanwhile i'm still resisting.

but the more i think about it,
how stupid i was, and how unfair it
was. so cruel. how much i've given
in, and been taken granted for,
i am the only fool in this
whole entire world that would
dwell so much.

it is not fair, but you can never
get such security anymore.

good luck, not being hurt,
cause you will. i know, cause reflecting
to me now, i realized the only
most stupidest ever human being in the
world to able to look through all
your flaws and still be what i am
now, and not embracing this city,
this sinful city.

jakarta.

:P

-chinyew

Day 92: Not Junior.

Had an early day. Finished storyboard pretty late.
Tired. Lack of sleep. Hated the feeling of half asleep
trying to get a cab in the busy street of Jakarta.

then had casting later evening. settling everything.
making sure everything's there for tomorrow's
production meeting.

i've written down a list of do's and dont's
in my journal. every mistakes made is logged.
every scolding i get is noted.

i want to be the ultimate of what i do.

got to direct really soon.

age is kicking in.

not a junior anymore.

-chinyew

Day 91: Start..

Woke up, had to work.
Still no chance to find a local church.

Storyboard and assist directing.
Am taking 2 roles now.
Money is good.
Just gotto find ways to pay
rent and my credit card bills.

I always thought that I would never
have credit card.

Damn.

Starting not to care so much
anymore about things.

No point dwelling on things I can't
change.

Called mom today. Missed her.

I've never been away. Never left
home for college or anything.
This is the first time living
on my own. i'm a late bloomer.
at the age of 30, I'm only begun
to learn independently.

every day i feel like i'm growing.

i'm thankful that at least i've
a purpose to strive.

a dream to achieve.

-chinyew

Day 90: Progress

Progress is good so far.
I've made friends with the local.
Producers, art directors, production houses.
People know me now. But at least to judge
whether am i good or not.

I'm trying my best everyday.
To be good.
To let go my past.
My life in KL.

They say why am I so stupid,
still doing things for the one
who have betrayed me.
I've not many years to come
to realization to the fact
that the ones who abandon and
have hurt me.

Why am I so stupid?
I live in a world of romance.
I believe.

But am I wrong?
The person who have wronged me,
have truly wronged me.
And have no excuse for that.

Using hate is easier to let go.

Should I have let go now?
It's been half a year.

Should I hate, in able to forget,
and stop giving excuses?

Have I given enough to realize
that it wasn't my fault?

Why do I blame myself?

Why do I hold on to the memory?

Why?

It is not fair.

I wasn't wrong, yet I'm the one who suffer.

Yet the one who is wrong, prosper in life.

Is this reality?

Is this life?

I should make myself cold,

and lay low on the alcohol.

;p


-chinyew

Day 89: Listening.

went for telecine today for the commercial
that we just shot. nice place. ordered
roast duck. love the local roast duck.
very different from the ones i had in KL.

telecine for lipstick commercial is
interesting. had to match back the colors
of the product precisely.

after telecine had a talk with a local
friend sharing with me the ways of
Jakarta.

Jakarta is a very vibrant place.
there are some certain techniques
of getting along well with the flow
of the city. sociology issues.
turning on and off the joking side.
nothing's permanent or one-sided.

you must have two characters that
somehow makes that your character.
and you must be flexible in
changing them whenever.

it's really complicated.

he told me it took him 4 years atleast
to learn and be one now.

i wonder how long or will i ever
turn into one.

-chinyew

Day 88: Worth it.

Wrapped at 4am. Body pushed for atleast
24 hours without sleep. Mid way through
was feeling really drain-out, then took
a dose of caffeine. boosted me up.

Was ok the shoot. Made less mistakes
compared to the last shoot. Phew..

Guess the more you do, you pick-up
new lessons through the mistakes you
make, the better you get.

My aim everyday is not to make anymore
mistakes. Even in life. Relationship.
I've become more extra careful
and cautious since the last.

Long time ago, my first producer told
me that 'paranoia is your greatest weapon.'

Been over protective of yrself is good.

Nobody likes to get hurt.

Everybody wants to win.

Hate assholes that hurt you just so
they won't.

But I guess the ones who get hurt
also benefits.

Win-win I guess.

-chinyew

Day 87: Mistakes

Day 1 of shoot.
My first facial product commercial shoot.
admire how the talents can redo all
the takes of washing their face over and
over again.

Fun shoot today. Eventhough I made 2 mistakes.
Didn't check the conti of the talent properly.
And didn't test one of the product shot
before shoot.

But overall was ok. Came back home tired.
Cooked some mee. And gonna watch some
documentary to doze myself to sleep.
Till tomorrow, day 2 of shoot.

-chinyew

Day 86: Running and no thinking

Woke up. Did my run. Tried again
to reroute to make sure i completely
miss the polluted car traffic.

rain. had to stop at a gas station.
had my lunch there. bought a crappy
burger. rain stopped a little.
i continued my run. suddenly it rained
again, I ran to a random house.
very modern nice architecture.
interesting, even had an automatic
sliding glass door. went in.
nobody. just saw alot of paintings
in locked glass room. strange,
this place has no signage at all.
walked out, with my horrible bahasa
indonesia i asked the guard what
place is this. he told me that it
was a private property. then i mentioned
bout the paintings i saw, he replied
like he just remembered that this place
gonna be a gallery soon. nice. 2 galleries
near to the place i live.

hmm, maybe i'm meant to stop art and work
in commercial production just so i can
afford to buy art. :D

got to sleep early today.
tomorrow shoot.

-chinyew

Day 85: Found it.

Woke up at 4am. Had cereal and watched
another episode of The Wire. Then went
back to sleep.

Woke up again at 10am. Went for my run.
I finally found a running route that is
free from Jakarta's pollution.

Pretty nice. The rich people area.
Houses were huge. Roads were clean
and filled with plants.

Don't ever think in million years
I'll able to afford houses like these.
Not as a film director at least.
Maybe as a real estate agent like my
father, maybe still stand a chance.

As I grow older, I feel the artist
in me slowly detaches. Like all I'm
seeking for now is wealth.

The love of making art?

Haven't felt that for months.
Since I left KL. Since new year.
Since...

-chinyew

Day 84: Back..

The artist that signed up for this month
is nowhere to be found. So I'm back here
again.

I've been blogging daily, counting down
the days till I start directing here in
Jakarta.

Day 84. If yr interested you can read
older post here.

Today went to work. Final wardrobe
fitting for the cosmetic shoot.
My first presentation in a pre production
meeting as an assistant director in Jakarta.
Tried to speak in Bahasa Indonesia at first
but my Bahasa Malaysia just automatically
comes back in. Eventhough the both language
is almost similar, the structure and some
words representation is really different
that makes it hard for someone who already
knows either one of the language to adapt
the other.

Came back home. One of the main roads were
blocked for some festival-flea market.
So I went. Bought some local food, walked
home. Tried to resist walking into the bar,
eventually did. Had 2 Guinness.

I knew it was a bad idea to stay across
a bar.

-chinyew

Day 83: Careful

i like how my body wakes up
automatically at 830am. no matter
how late i sleep, my body just
jump start itself. no matter
how hard i forces myself to sleep,
my body still refuses to.

so i took a run.
bought mie ayam along the way.
bloody tasty and cheap.
bought some snacks in a supermarket.

went home, had my shower, prepared
a movie, then ate like crazy.

2pm. nap.

4pm. woke up, watch another movie,
then took a swim. hungry again.
walked down the street to try
this arty restaurant.

browse their book collection.
found 2 books that i'm interested in.
shall bookmark them and return again
next time to finish them. nice interior,
and reasonably priced food. don't
mind coming back again.
had an awesome dessert that serves
vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate
fudge in 2 separate bowls.
makes me think of special friend,
whom i know will definitely fight
with me to finish them. :)

at that moment, i felt the gladness
of being alone, yet a little sad.
like the idea of being free,
yet maybe a companion to share food
and some conversation would do good.

come to think of it, i've spent
an entire day like this haven't
spoken to anyone.

scary.

-chinyew

Day 82: Chill out

Woke up, did my run.
Bought lunch along the way.
Came back home and watched
a movie over lunch. Good
food, street food, rice
with fish and vegetables.

Took a short nap.
Woke up, had some cereal.
Cooked noodles. Watched another
movie.

Tune into BBC news. World's
pretty messed up with all
the plagues and wars.
Gets quite depressing.
But you got to be in the knowing,
I guess. Sometimes the stupid
ones are the happy ones.

Late evening, got called from friends
to meet up at the pub across the street
of the place I'm living. It's always
been like my dream to live across a bar.

It's great to go to a bar where
everybody knows your name.
Had my usual Guinness fixed.
Had spaghetti. And more Guinness.
Walked home semi-drunk. Showered.

Watch another movie as I dozed off.

Chill-out.

-chinyew

Day 81: Bloody big

Woke up early, even though had a hangover.
work out a little, had cereal, then
ran to friend's house. took a cab to
a mall. pretty far, bout 1 hour drive.

bought a MKV player that could play
mostly everything. my companion when
i'm in my room.

just tested it out. works perfectly.
watched my first movie in my new
room. Barney's Version. pretty good.
a little sad, but was really good.
favorite scene was:

Guy: Have I ever given up when it comes to you?
Girl: Never
Guy: So what makes you think I'm gonna start now?

had some beer with uncle.
he shared more advise to me
of surviving Jakarta.

it's really tough.

-chinyew

Day 80: Beatles

i wonder why my nails grow so fast
lately.

had some beers at a bar infront
of the place i live, one of the
reason i moved here.

a 3-piece accoustic band was covering
Beatles all night long. bloody fantastic.
thank God for Beatles.

was talking to a friend that he said 2 years
ago, all the production people were partying
like crazy. these days, mostly are married
and have settled down.

that ought to make me think that i'm a 30-year
old who still likes to party. a cab driver
asked me once, why aren't i married?

is it fixed that a person who reaches 30 have
to get married and settle down? i see most
people get divorce at mid 30s. and some desperately
who are still in a marriage desperately wants
to get out.

is there a subconscious psychology setback
that i am still what i am?

is there a point?

-chinyew